So, it’s been a couple months, and I am sorry. However, I have moved over to If you would like to continue to get updates (as you should want to, you jerks), please head over there and follow that blog. :3

Bronchitis fucking sucks.

The great thing about having bronchitis is I can not exercise and don’t have to worry about feeling guilty.

The worst thing about bronchitis is that I feel stupidly guilty for not exercising!

I’m stressed. I cannot pinpoint what about. It’s really frustrating because I can generally tell why I am stressed or what about. I can’t right now. I haven’t been able to for a couple of days. All I want to do is either cry super hard or eat my feelings. Nothing seems to be satisfying my eating, either, so I ignore that one for now.

And before it’s asked, no, not pregnant.

Good thing is that I was able to run to the train stop today for a little bit and walk up stairs and not feel like I was going to have an asthma attack. So, I get to go back to the gym tomorrow.

Today, for no apparent reason, my back decided to super hurt in that one bad spot that I think is a herniated disc. It hurts so bad I feel like I’m going to puke. Here after I post this, I will be laying down flat on my back for a while on heat and ice, and will watch a show or two to catch up with the husband. I am partially excited that this keeps happening because I just signed up for benefits at work and will be able to see a doctor soon. Really worried that it’s happening for seemingly no reason at all and this fucking strong.

Sometimes, I am really surprised that I am functioning.

Well, we’re going on vacation as of Saturday. I am so excited I cannot contain it. I have this whole week of training, so no phones, then all next week in California. It’s going to be in the 80’s there, and Chris’ dad has a freaking hot tub. BATHING SUITS ARE GOING WITH US. We have a car taken care of, everything we want to do is still supposed to be happening. I am just so excited to go somewhere and not worry about anything for a whole week. It will be a nice change. :3

I lost weight last week AND inches. I definitely plan on running this week. My wedding band is amazingly loose. I am worried that I will have to not wear it anymore for fear of losing it! That kind of makes me happy. ;)

Anyway…that’s it. Yeah…….

Early post this week!

I am posting tonight because…well…this week sucked.

Monday, I was able to run on the treadmill again. In fact, for my fat ass, I was able to run a mile in 14:06. That was fucking exhilarating. I was so proud of myself, and could not wait to be able to try it again the next night. Tuesday, I got hit hard with something. I had no clue what it was. All I knew was with all the coughing and sneezing I was doing by the time I got done with work there was no way I would be able to run. Wednesday, I woke up, and holy fuck what was this new death? My chest hurt, I was hacking, and I felt weighed down. Shit shit shit. I got super sick. Throughout the day, I kept thinking that it felt vaguely like bronchitis. I haven’t had it in years, but you never forget how you feel when you get bronchitis. I couldn’t talk well, and every time I laughed, I coughed until my chest hurt. Ended up being sent home after half of my shift. Looked up everything I had.

Yep. Bron-fucking-chitis. Fucking shit.

Well, it was safe to say that I decided running or exercising with diminished lung power was not a bright idea. So, break time it is. No heavy exercising for at least 3 days, longer depending on how I feel after that. Walking for more than 10 minutes makes me wheeze right now. There is no way I will be doing anything that gets my heart rate up for a few days.

Next week, Chris and I will be on opposite schedules again. I will be starting at 7 am, he will be starting at 11 am. I start Connectivity training next week, which is what Chris does at work. Fucking awesome. And Chris will be leading the control of the nesting of the new Connectivity people next week, which is why his schedule is changing. This puts a kink in our plans that we had for next week. Well, so does the bronchitis, but the opposite schedules is pretty bad, too. We were planning on having a “hell week”. As of October 13th, we’re on vacation. While we plan on being fairly active the entire week, we don’t plan on eating COMPLETELY healthy, and will try to go to the gym, but won’t make it a requirement. We wanted to do a nice push the week before to kind of carry us over (if bodies even work like that). With the opposite schedules (and the bronchitis), we won’t be able to actually get to push each other. I might have to start over with my running (to be fair, I had only started week 2, so I won’t be losing a lot of progress). Now, we will still be exercising, but we won’t be able to do what we were planning. Booooo, but what the fuck ever. We will still push forward!

I still weigh in and do measurements tomorrow. I feel thinner, but I have felt thinner and actually wasn’t before. So, we shall see! I am hopeful! I have definition on my legs that I haven’t had before, and my arms and stomach seem smaller. Won’t know anything for sure until tomorrow. I will probably do a short update tomorrow night about that. :3

This IS the hard part.

I gained again this week.

We did so well at the gym all week. I just don’t even know anymore. I will be dropping my calorie intake a few hundred just to be sure, but I am actually starting to get discouraged.

No, not discouraged. Seriously frustrated.

I don’t want to stop. I won’t stop. I’m too god damn stubborn to stop now. I have come a VERY long way. No, I don’t want comments about how I should stick to it. I fucking will. You all know I will. I am tired of hearing it.

I am so frustrated with it all that I am constantly angry. I haven’t gone anywhere weight wise. Not really size wise, either. Four months of this. It’s really fucking killing me.

I let things take over. Everything that is wrong with me becomes a disease. I’m neurotic. Obsessive. Self-deprecating. And I still push myself. Apparently not far enough.

I don’t even want to talk about this anymore, that’s how upsetting it is. I guess it’s time for bed.

Is this the hard part?

I’ve been feeling…well, less up to everything than normal. I am very adamant about watching what I eat still, but I cannot get myself to exercise. I have not been feeling good after I exercise at all like I used to.

For some reason that I cannot explain, I am in a lot of pain. The only thing I can think of what has changed was that I got a new water bottle from my roommate that I cannot drink out of well… Maybe I have been having less water? I have no idea, because it feels to me like I am still drinking enough water. After working out, my muscles hurt a lot more than they used to. I get enough sleep and I feel like I worked out entirely too much the night before, even if I didn’t. It’s been happening for the past 4 days now.

Just to be safe, I took a pregnancy test today (for those that don’t remember, I have an IUD – checking for pregnancy is vital). It came out negative, which is what I was expecting, but now I don’t know what else could be wrong. There are spots on my back that feel wrong and the only thing I can find out about the pain is possible herniated discs. I have 3 spots that give me trouble, and they have been way worse than normal. I haven’t had a day where I DIDN’T have a headache for 3 days now. My leg muscles feel weak or torn or overworked at different points in the day. It all seems so random that I don’t think I can figure out what is happening. Maybe some of my other weight loss friends can help me? I am pretty sure that the headache might be related to a toothache, but my teeth really don’t hurt all that often or coincide much with the location of the pain.

I did lose weight this week! At first, I didn’t. I gained weight. Just over 2 pounds. I was depressed about that Saturday. My waist and ribs went down on measurements, but that was it. At least I didn’t gain there again. On Saturday, before I ate, I decided it might be a good idea to weigh myself again. I had ended up losing 3.6 lbs. I am not sure what it was, but that made me feel good. Yesterday in itself was a really shitty day, but at least I lost weight, and more than I thought I had gained this past week. Well, whatever, moving on.

I really want to be under 220 when I go to California. I don’t know how feasible that will be. I have been stuck between 230 and 225 for months now, even after adjusting caloric intake and exercise. It just makes me feel very much like I’ve hit a brick wall. I am not giving up, not after everything I have done. I just don’t know what else I can do to try to shock my system or even make my body stop hurting. If any of you have suggestions, those of you that have been where I am, please let me know what you did! I might have either tried it, but if I haven’t, I just might…

Work makes blogging difficult

I was supposed to blog last week. I didn’t. I don’t remember why I didn’t other than I was super busy with work for some reason.

Getting used to working out while having a job has been interesting. Starting this almost 2 years ago, I had a full time job. I wasn’t as invested as I am now, though. I really got into everything when I didn’t have a job, and it was easier to do. To be fair, this isn’t that hard. What’s hard is having roommates that are overweight and not as progressed or invested as us. Especially since it’s very much a communal kitchen, I dislike having to cook “healthier” things for myself if the meal isn’t low enough calorie for me (which hasn’t happened too often). I feel like a dick or disrespectful or something. I know I’m not logically, but that doesn’t stop how I feel. What makes it hard is that I do not like feeling as if I have insulted someone. So, I’ve had to deal with that.

I have lost the weight I gained! Well, not all of it, just back at 227, but better than gaining again. I took my measurements last week and had gained a bit. That really upset me. Starting on Monday, I am going hardcore on everything. I increased my calories so that I could increase my exercise, and I haven’t increased my exercise much. So, on Monday, I will be starting 2 or 3 days of strength and 5 or 6 days of cardio a week. I will be going to the gym to do so every night after work. I need to tell myself “no excuse” again. Because I don’t have one. I will feel better doing it again, too. Also, I REALLY want to be under 220 when I go to California in a month (FOUR WEEKS) so that I can tell my step mother-in-law that I have officially lost over 60 pounds since the last time she saw me.

I’d post my measurements, but I am incredibly too lazy to go get them out of the bedroom.

Because I gained weight, I am still just under 20% lost. That annoys me.

I don’t know what else to post about other than work. I am still working out, though, admittedly, not as heavy as I should be, but that is changing. A lot of my life is work right now. I am being recognized there and that makes me happy. I am very much exceeding my own expectations of myself, and I am impressing people that I work for. Just can’t go to another department until I hit 90 days. That’s fine, though. That’s in just a month. :)

I guess that’s it. I miss talking online! I miss you all! Your support is what keeps me going, so please give me all you have! :D


Back on the saddle!

Started tracking again on Saturday. Had a birthday party to go to for my little cousins, so I ended up eating more than 1000 calories OVER my limit, but I expected that. I know I had been doing bad, but holy fuck that is bad. Anyway, have been under for yesterday and today (so far). Yesterday, Chris forced me out and had me do a lot of things that I didn’t like doing.

Seriously, I haven’t done heavy cardio things for at least a couple months. It was pretty bad. Suicides, burpees, jumps (I JUMPED LIKE A RABBIT FOREVER, GUISE), jumping jacks (loooool, srsly my tits hate those), and kick boxing/sparring with the husband. PLUS some logic puzzles. Then I went into the pool.

Today, I went and “swam” for 40 minutes. I can’t get my hair wet with chlorinated water right now since I just dyed it, but I ran up and down the length of the pool and did kicks. I. Am. Sore. We’re still going to the gym, too. I am hoping to lose a good amount of weight this week. :D

I raised my calories to 2000 for now. I will probably drop them back down in a little while.

Anyway! Everything has been going good. New place is kind of awesome. Only slightly. ;) We are seriously encouraging our new roommates to lose weight and exercise, and they love it. They needed the extra push, and that’s what we’re doing. It makes me feel good to be able to help people do all this shit. Also, one roommate has a gluten intolerance, so we’re learning new recipes! The bad part of that is that gluten-free items tend to be more processed. But! I don’t have to eat it! :D

New post probably at the end of the week. I didn’t measure last week, so I will end up switching the weeks that I do that on. I’ll start it back up this week.

It’s been entirely too long.

I haven’t been blogging. I apologize for this. It’s been a crazy few weeks.

Chris and I got moved! I am too lazy to look up the last blog I did, but we have moved and we’re super happy in the new place. We fit in quite well here. It’s quite relaxing actually.

Chris is going places at work. He got a great position (lateral, but more responsibility – he hasn’t been there a year yet, so this is good), I am on the phones now and will be starting my normal schedule on Monday, and am enjoying the job.

We’re waiting for life to give us a huge bad thing to deal with. We are sure it will happen now.

I am having anxiety issues again. Not entirely sure why. I am actually doing really well at my job, and people are recognizing that I am good. I think I am mostly just freaking out about maintaining the ability to be good at my job and keeping what is expected of me.

It’s pretty bad.

Weight loss was put on hold, but I am still maintaining! That actually makes me happy, but we, as of Saturday, are back on track. Two weeks to get settled, and now we need get back to where we were with exercise and eating. I feel super guilty about everything ever with it.

This post was supposed to say stuff. It really doesn’t, and now I’m confused as to what I was originally going to post. An update, I suppose? Is this an update?

Anyway, shit will be revisited, exercise is going hardcore, and food will be roped in for control. I will be increasing my calories again as I am still on a plateau (even when I was exercising and counting calories) and especially since I will be ramping up my exercises. Cannot wait to actually have a good loss again. :3

Depression is a terrible drug.

Some of you might not be aware, but I’m finally moving on Saturday.

I’d be happy about that if my head would let me.

I hate shock. Shock to your emotions tends to shut you down. You don’t realize that you are just floating by until you crash from that shock. And then you are embarrassed.

I am scared of what I have done to my body these past few weeks. We haven’t been able to eat at home because cooking in a place where you feel like you don’t belong makes you not want to eat what you cooked. It’s hostile. We buy premade food at the grocery store next door if we’re hungry and eat in our bed. I feel gross doing it. I am pretty sure I have been overeating, but I haven’t been gaining enough to warrant that feeling. Maybe I’m not even eating enough on most days, then binging on bad days? That actually sounds more like me.

I apparently eat a lot of carbs when I’m stressed. They truly are comforting. We’ve had a soda or 2 every day for almost 3 weeks. So god damn bad. I am so stressed that I can’t remember most of what I say, type, learn, talk about to other people, or even what I am thinking. And I cannot convince myself that once I move everything will be better. It’s been so long since I have had to hold up a mask for as long as I have to make sure that everyone else is okay with being around me. I am not fun to be around when I’m depressed. Ask my husband. Ask my mother. Three weeks is a long time to be fake to everyone you see so that they all believe you are okay and still remain sane after years of being comfortable with being yourself.

I don’t like people. This is nothing new. It’s been a few years since I have allowed myself to make friends. Especially over the course of this past year, I refused to let many get close to me. I still kind of do. There are two guys in my training class that I absolutely adore; Chris has some teammates that are freaking awesome (one of which being the first person from work that I added on FB). This happening to us and me still having to go to work with a smile on my face put me under even more stress. At least the anxiety went mostly away. My brain tells me that I have to look mostly happy to these people.  They know what’s going on, but they don’t know what I am doing to myself.

My headaches these past two days seem to be mostly related to stress. I cried a bit and feel a little better. Apparently crying releases the chemical that makes you stressed, and that’s why you feel better after you cry. Maybe the symptom of that chemical build up is a stupidly heavy pressure headache?

All I know is that I want to just sleep forever. Next week I should be able to get back in the swing of tracking, cooking my own food, and exercising properly. I won’t be walking a mile uphill every morning anymore, and I will be able to sleep properly (and my schedule won’t be wake up at god awful early in the fucking morning). Everything, theoretically, should be better.

Now, if only I could tell my brain that it will be. :(

My bad, yo.

It’s been a couple weeks since I posted. I last posted about the wondrous soon-to-be-ex-roommate. I have done 2 weigh ins since then, and had a realization about everything.

I have gained both weeks, but nothing huge. I haven’t even gained a whole pound total, so I am not too upset. I realized over this past week, though, that I haven’t been sleeping much. Sleep is a HUGE factor in weight loss. If you aren’t getting enough of it for your body to rest and reset, you aren’t going to lose very well. I only have one more week of 5 hour nights and long days at work, and not even a full week! This week is my last week in training, and we only have a three day week. It’s going to be beautiful. And next Sunday, I start on the phones and will be moved into the new place.

We bought Chris a real cell phone yesterday. We haven’t had a real cell phone in 3 years. The number we’ve had for the past year and a half is just a simple flip phone. The new phone is an Android based phone (the AT&T Fusion) and still a prepaid phone. But it’s a fairly decent phone with a new number and our roommate doesn’t have the number! We’ll be buying me the same phone tomorrow, and for the first time in 3 years, Chris and I will have separate phones. Kind of crazy.

Speaking of ways that our roommate cannot get a hold of us! Not only are we getting rid of the old number, but we have created a new email address that will forward any emails from her to. The new email address has Vacation Responder set up to say that we don’t accept emails from crazy people anymore. We’re leaving a bogus forwarding address in case she decides to come visit us. She is going to hate us, and I am going to be happy that she will never be able to reach us. Get this drama filled life behind me.

I realized yesterday where my problem with most roommates is. I hate girly girls. Well, don’t hate, I just really don’t get along with most of them. Probably because most of them are batshit crazy. Chris even realized that he hates girls. The only women he likes are the ones that I absolutely adore. Shannon, my mom, Lorien…the one thing we all have in common? We AREN’T. THAT. GIRLY. I should probably filter people more…

That’s it for me now. I’ll post more next weekend when I move. It shall be fun. :)

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