Depression is a terrible drug.

Some of you might not be aware, but I’m finally moving on Saturday.

I’d be happy about that if my head would let me.

I hate shock. Shock to your emotions tends to shut you down. You don’t realize that you are just floating by until you crash from that shock. And then you are embarrassed.

I am scared of what I have done to my body these past few weeks. We haven’t been able to eat at home because cooking in a place where you feel like you don’t belong makes you not want to eat what you cooked. It’s hostile. We buy premade food at the grocery store next door if we’re hungry and eat in our bed. I feel gross doing it. I am pretty sure I have been overeating, but I haven’t been gaining enough to warrant that feeling. Maybe I’m not even eating enough on most days, then binging on bad days? That actually sounds more like me.

I apparently eat a lot of carbs when I’m stressed. They truly are comforting. We’ve had a soda or 2 every day for almost 3 weeks. So god damn bad. I am so stressed that I can’t remember most of what I say, type, learn, talk about to other people, or even what I am thinking. And I cannot convince myself that once I move everything will be better. It’s been so long since I have had to hold up a mask for as long as I have to make sure that everyone else is okay with being around me. I am not fun to be around when I’m depressed. Ask my husband. Ask my mother. Three weeks is a long time to be fake to everyone you see so that they all believe you are okay and still remain sane after years of being comfortable with being yourself.

I don’t like people. This is nothing new. It’s been a few years since I have allowed myself to make friends. Especially over the course of this past year, I refused to let many get close to me. I still kind of do. There are two guys in my training class that I absolutely adore; Chris has some teammates that are freaking awesome (one of which being the first person from work that I added on FB). This happening to us and me still having to go to work with a smile on my face put me under even more stress. At least the anxiety went mostly away. My brain tells me that I have to look mostly happy to these people.  They know what’s going on, but they don’t know what I am doing to myself.

My headaches these past two days seem to be mostly related to stress. I cried a bit and feel a little better. Apparently crying releases the chemical that makes you stressed, and that’s why you feel better after you cry. Maybe the symptom of that chemical build up is a stupidly heavy pressure headache?

All I know is that I want to just sleep forever. Next week I should be able to get back in the swing of tracking, cooking my own food, and exercising properly. I won’t be walking a mile uphill every morning anymore, and I will be able to sleep properly (and my schedule won’t be wake up at god awful early in the fucking morning). Everything, theoretically, should be better.

Now, if only I could tell my brain that it will be. :(


9 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. evilbatwitch
    Aug 16, 2012 @ 12:19:58

    Yeah, not fun. Two.more.days. I wish I could do something to make your current roommate hurt as much as she’s hurt you.


  2. megis217
    Aug 16, 2012 @ 14:06:02

    depression sucks!!! try and smile really big and hard.. it will make you feel better for a little bit.

    I’m fighting depression right now.. I am switching to another antidepressant and I’ve been off my old pill for two days and I haven’t moved out of bed or had anything to eat.. everything hurts and I want to cry but i cant. So today I got out of bed and I told myself I’m going to blog and maybe I’ll feel better…no…lol but at least I’m not in bed.. hopefully this pill will be out of my system soon so I can start my new pill and hopefully that one will work..

    anyways stay strong.. it will get better! just keep telling yourself that you will be ok!
    <3 because YOU WILL BE OK! You have your husband that loves you and is by your side! let him be your rock during your time of need and you will feel better! Dont let other peoples bullshit affect you!


    email me if you ever want to talk.. I could always use another depression buddy!


    • Missy Q.
      Aug 16, 2012 @ 21:25:47

      You are a dear. Really. It is good to have others to talk to. I am really not one to burden others, though. I don’t know why, but I always feel that my problems are so trivial than other people’s… However, you made me smile and feel wanted. And I really can’t ask for anything else. :)


      • megis217
        Aug 16, 2012 @ 22:58:42

        Everyone feels that their own problems are never as bad “as the other guys”, but it’s good to share and express your feelings. I believe that “Talk Therapy” can really help you over come the feelings of sadness/blankness/emptiness so never hold it in! and remember that you DO matter!!

        (plus I love hearing other peoples It makes me feel like I don’t have it that sick I know!)

  3. ChinBalls
    Aug 16, 2012 @ 14:46:13

    The “fuck you” in your common keywords is getting smaller. Perhaps you’re not saying it enough.

    Oh, new place where you can; a) plan, cook and eat happier, 2) go home without wanting to avoid someone IV) get to work easier.
    All big bonus pieces.


  4. Jen (@daharaDreams)
    Aug 16, 2012 @ 21:50:36

    You know what? Keep freaking out. Keep being stressed. Keep just getting through. Because IT. WILL. BE. OVER. And then, when it is, and you’ve had enough time to re-adjust to sanity and not being an enemy in the place you live, that is when you can chill. In your time. In your way.

    Then you can lolz about ‘That fucking dingo we lived with? WE SURVIVED THAT SHIT,” and high five each other and hug and kiss and cook and be…normal? Well, whatever it is you two are, because you two do it best.


    • Missy Q.
      Aug 16, 2012 @ 21:57:23

      I wouldn’t call her a dingo, but yes, I understand. We will probably be like that in a week or so. I am seriously hoping that it’s all better.


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