Bronchitis fucking sucks.

The great thing about having bronchitis is I can not exercise and don’t have to worry about feeling guilty.

The worst thing about bronchitis is that I feel stupidly guilty for not exercising!

I’m stressed. I cannot pinpoint what about. It’s really frustrating because I can generally tell why I am stressed or what about. I can’t right now. I haven’t been able to for a couple of days. All I want to do is either cry super hard or eat my feelings. Nothing seems to be satisfying my eating, either, so I ignore that one for now.

And before it’s asked, no, not pregnant.

Good thing is that I was able to run to the train stop today for a little bit and walk up stairs and not feel like I was going to have an asthma attack. So, I get to go back to the gym tomorrow.

Today, for no apparent reason, my back decided to super hurt in that one bad spot that I think is a herniated disc. It hurts so bad I feel like I’m going to puke. Here after I post this, I will be laying down flat on my back for a while on heat and ice, and will watch a show or two to catch up with the husband. I am partially excited that this keeps happening because I just signed up for benefits at work and will be able to see a doctor soon. Really worried that it’s happening for seemingly no reason at all and this fucking strong.

Sometimes, I am really surprised that I am functioning.

Well, we’re going on vacation as of Saturday. I am so excited I cannot contain it. I have this whole week of training, so no phones, then all next week in California. It’s going to be in the 80’s there, and Chris’ dad has a freaking hot tub. BATHING SUITS ARE GOING WITH US. We have a car taken care of, everything we want to do is still supposed to be happening. I am just so excited to go somewhere and not worry about anything for a whole week. It will be a nice change. :3

I lost weight last week AND inches. I definitely plan on running this week. My wedding band is amazingly loose. I am worried that I will have to not wear it anymore for fear of losing it! That kind of makes me happy. ;)

Anyway…that’s it. Yeah…….

This IS the hard part.

I gained again this week.

We did so well at the gym all week. I just don’t even know anymore. I will be dropping my calorie intake a few hundred just to be sure, but I am actually starting to get discouraged.

No, not discouraged. Seriously frustrated.

I don’t want to stop. I won’t stop. I’m too god damn stubborn to stop now. I have come a VERY long way. No, I don’t want comments about how I should stick to it. I fucking will. You all know I will. I am tired of hearing it.

I am so frustrated with it all that I am constantly angry. I haven’t gone anywhere weight wise. Not really size wise, either. Four months of this. It’s really fucking killing me.

I let things take over. Everything that is wrong with me becomes a disease. I’m neurotic. Obsessive. Self-deprecating. And I still push myself. Apparently not far enough.

I don’t even want to talk about this anymore, that’s how upsetting it is. I guess it’s time for bed.

Work makes blogging difficult

I was supposed to blog last week. I didn’t. I don’t remember why I didn’t other than I was super busy with work for some reason.

Getting used to working out while having a job has been interesting. Starting this almost 2 years ago, I had a full time job. I wasn’t as invested as I am now, though. I really got into everything when I didn’t have a job, and it was easier to do. To be fair, this isn’t that hard. What’s hard is having roommates that are overweight and not as progressed or invested as us. Especially since it’s very much a communal kitchen, I dislike having to cook “healthier” things for myself if the meal isn’t low enough calorie for me (which hasn’t happened too often). I feel like a dick or disrespectful or something. I know I’m not logically, but that doesn’t stop how I feel. What makes it hard is that I do not like feeling as if I have insulted someone. So, I’ve had to deal with that.

I have lost the weight I gained! Well, not all of it, just back at 227, but better than gaining again. I took my measurements last week and had gained a bit. That really upset me. Starting on Monday, I am going hardcore on everything. I increased my calories so that I could increase my exercise, and I haven’t increased my exercise much. So, on Monday, I will be starting 2 or 3 days of strength and 5 or 6 days of cardio a week. I will be going to the gym to do so every night after work. I need to tell myself “no excuse” again. Because I don’t have one. I will feel better doing it again, too. Also, I REALLY want to be under 220 when I go to California in a month (FOUR WEEKS) so that I can tell my step mother-in-law that I have officially lost over 60 pounds since the last time she saw me.

I’d post my measurements, but I am incredibly too lazy to go get them out of the bedroom.

Because I gained weight, I am still just under 20% lost. That annoys me.

I don’t know what else to post about other than work. I am still working out, though, admittedly, not as heavy as I should be, but that is changing. A lot of my life is work right now. I am being recognized there and that makes me happy. I am very much exceeding my own expectations of myself, and I am impressing people that I work for. Just can’t go to another department until I hit 90 days. That’s fine, though. That’s in just a month. :)

I guess that’s it. I miss talking online! I miss you all! Your support is what keeps me going, so please give me all you have! :D

It’s been entirely too long.

I haven’t been blogging. I apologize for this. It’s been a crazy few weeks.

Chris and I got moved! I am too lazy to look up the last blog I did, but we have moved and we’re super happy in the new place. We fit in quite well here. It’s quite relaxing actually.

Chris is going places at work. He got a great position (lateral, but more responsibility – he hasn’t been there a year yet, so this is good), I am on the phones now and will be starting my normal schedule on Monday, and am enjoying the job.

We’re waiting for life to give us a huge bad thing to deal with. We are sure it will happen now.

I am having anxiety issues again. Not entirely sure why. I am actually doing really well at my job, and people are recognizing that I am good. I think I am mostly just freaking out about maintaining the ability to be good at my job and keeping what is expected of me.

It’s pretty bad.

Weight loss was put on hold, but I am still maintaining! That actually makes me happy, but we, as of Saturday, are back on track. Two weeks to get settled, and now we need get back to where we were with exercise and eating. I feel super guilty about everything ever with it.

This post was supposed to say stuff. It really doesn’t, and now I’m confused as to what I was originally going to post. An update, I suppose? Is this an update?

Anyway, shit will be revisited, exercise is going hardcore, and food will be roped in for control. I will be increasing my calories again as I am still on a plateau (even when I was exercising and counting calories) and especially since I will be ramping up my exercises. Cannot wait to actually have a good loss again. :3

Depression is a terrible drug.

Some of you might not be aware, but I’m finally moving on Saturday.

I’d be happy about that if my head would let me.

I hate shock. Shock to your emotions tends to shut you down. You don’t realize that you are just floating by until you crash from that shock. And then you are embarrassed.

I am scared of what I have done to my body these past few weeks. We haven’t been able to eat at home because cooking in a place where you feel like you don’t belong makes you not want to eat what you cooked. It’s hostile. We buy premade food at the grocery store next door if we’re hungry and eat in our bed. I feel gross doing it. I am pretty sure I have been overeating, but I haven’t been gaining enough to warrant that feeling. Maybe I’m not even eating enough on most days, then binging on bad days? That actually sounds more like me.

I apparently eat a lot of carbs when I’m stressed. They truly are comforting. We’ve had a soda or 2 every day for almost 3 weeks. So god damn bad. I am so stressed that I can’t remember most of what I say, type, learn, talk about to other people, or even what I am thinking. And I cannot convince myself that once I move everything will be better. It’s been so long since I have had to hold up a mask for as long as I have to make sure that everyone else is okay with being around me. I am not fun to be around when I’m depressed. Ask my husband. Ask my mother. Three weeks is a long time to be fake to everyone you see so that they all believe you are okay and still remain sane after years of being comfortable with being yourself.

I don’t like people. This is nothing new. It’s been a few years since I have allowed myself to make friends. Especially over the course of this past year, I refused to let many get close to me. I still kind of do. There are two guys in my training class that I absolutely adore; Chris has some teammates that are freaking awesome (one of which being the first person from work that I added on FB). This happening to us and me still having to go to work with a smile on my face put me under even more stress. At least the anxiety went mostly away. My brain tells me that I have to look mostly happy to these people.  They know what’s going on, but they don’t know what I am doing to myself.

My headaches these past two days seem to be mostly related to stress. I cried a bit and feel a little better. Apparently crying releases the chemical that makes you stressed, and that’s why you feel better after you cry. Maybe the symptom of that chemical build up is a stupidly heavy pressure headache?

All I know is that I want to just sleep forever. Next week I should be able to get back in the swing of tracking, cooking my own food, and exercising properly. I won’t be walking a mile uphill every morning anymore, and I will be able to sleep properly (and my schedule won’t be wake up at god awful early in the fucking morning). Everything, theoretically, should be better.

Now, if only I could tell my brain that it will be. :(

My bad, yo.

It’s been a couple weeks since I posted. I last posted about the wondrous soon-to-be-ex-roommate. I have done 2 weigh ins since then, and had a realization about everything.

I have gained both weeks, but nothing huge. I haven’t even gained a whole pound total, so I am not too upset. I realized over this past week, though, that I haven’t been sleeping much. Sleep is a HUGE factor in weight loss. If you aren’t getting enough of it for your body to rest and reset, you aren’t going to lose very well. I only have one more week of 5 hour nights and long days at work, and not even a full week! This week is my last week in training, and we only have a three day week. It’s going to be beautiful. And next Sunday, I start on the phones and will be moved into the new place.

We bought Chris a real cell phone yesterday. We haven’t had a real cell phone in 3 years. The number we’ve had for the past year and a half is just a simple flip phone. The new phone is an Android based phone (the AT&T Fusion) and still a prepaid phone. But it’s a fairly decent phone with a new number and our roommate doesn’t have the number! We’ll be buying me the same phone tomorrow, and for the first time in 3 years, Chris and I will have separate phones. Kind of crazy.

Speaking of ways that our roommate cannot get a hold of us! Not only are we getting rid of the old number, but we have created a new email address that will forward any emails from her to. The new email address has Vacation Responder set up to say that we don’t accept emails from crazy people anymore. We’re leaving a bogus forwarding address in case she decides to come visit us. She is going to hate us, and I am going to be happy that she will never be able to reach us. Get this drama filled life behind me.

I realized yesterday where my problem with most roommates is. I hate girly girls. Well, don’t hate, I just really don’t get along with most of them. Probably because most of them are batshit crazy. Chris even realized that he hates girls. The only women he likes are the ones that I absolutely adore. Shannon, my mom, Lorien…the one thing we all have in common? We AREN’T. THAT. GIRLY. I should probably filter people more…

That’s it for me now. I’ll post more next weekend when I move. It shall be fun. :)

I hate stress.

I am sure everyone does. It does massive damage to your body. It seems to do stuff 10 fold to me.

With the risk of going super TMI, I have stomach issues. For those that have known me long enough (or well enough) know that I had the beginnings of an ulcer discovered just over a year ago. With eating better, I tend to not have issues. I am diagnosed with GERDs, but don’t suffer from it often, even when super stressed. My bowels seem to be the issue when I get super stressed. I get (WARNING SUPER SUPER TMI) loose, bloody stool. It might have an underlying issue; it might be related to the beginning ulcer happening. Well, the blood isn’t happening now, but man do I have some bad cramping. It’s pretty miserable.

UPDATE: Seems that there are a few others in class that are having issues with their stomachs. It might be something with the food from here, because we all ate it yesterday…

On top of this, I have stress hives. That is the worst. I itch constantly. My ears tend to get the worst of it because I not only get the anxiety itching, but I get the stress hives. Also, having them on a peeling sunburn is like…being tortured for country secrets or something.

I hate stress.

On a side note, I am sitting in class doing fuck all nothing because my trainer tried to make me sit with people JUST OUT OF TRAINING for sidejacking. Uh, fuck no am I sitting with someone that doesn’t know what they are doing. This entire week, this trainer has given me the feeling that he just doesn’t care. I have seen him sit with 2 people during the test and just give them the fucking answers if they asked. I asked 3 questions on the test that had to do with conflicting information given and stuff we just didn’t go over. I worked hard to make sure that I might be able to pass. I am pissed. Apparently this trainer is being promoted or something and he’s just giving people the answers if they ask for it. It really doesn’t teach us anything. Our training program for accounts is broken and we can’t pull up anything, so I’m fucking lost when it comes to that. Instead, I am looking up articles in our database so that I can learn the process for top call drivers. Currently, the trainer is playing Mass Effect 2. :\

The A/C was fixed here on Friday and Saturday. NOW IT NEVER SHUTS OFF. Fuck, am I cold. The thermostat in the room doesn’t control the A/C in here anymore. It’s brilliant.

This training will drive me insane. :|

This concludes the ranting post. So ready to just…have a week off. Irritated that will take more than 2 months still. OCTOBER. THEN I WILL BE IN CALIFORNIA FOR A WEEK AND NOT WORRY ABOUT SHIT. >:(

Drama drama drama…

…and info on my weigh in on Friday. I only lost 0.2 lbs last week, but I noticed my scale said a 1% drop in body fat, so I am okay with it all (Chris lost 1.6 lbs, and expects to be below 310 again this week). Also, my wedding band is continually having issues with staying on, lol. Walking in the morning seems to be helping me out with my weight loss stuff, even without me exercising at the gym regularly.

Drama.

I have felt something off about our current roommate since I met her. I ignore those kinds of things most of the time, especially at first. I have social anxiety, that must be the problem. These people are normal, not out to get me. Well, these feelings never went away. There are people at work that I have known for less time and am WAY more comfortable around. This should have been a sign.

We are being kicked out of our place. We have until August 27th, but we plan on being out 2 weeks before that, maybe one. I came home Thursday night to a note posted on the wall giving us notice; two days before, everything was just fine. The straw that broke the camel’s back? We washed the dishes wrong. I wish I were fucking joking. I have a specific way I wash the dishes and I get super annoyed when they aren’t done that way. Do I freak out and start attacking people because of it? No. I let it roll off my back and understand that not everyone does dishes the exact way I do. It isn’t that fucking hard, at all. Everyone isn’t going to cater to me, I get over it. I don’t do well with passive-aggressive notes. They are REALLY condescending and patronizing. I hate it. Thursday and Friday, the living area were COVERED with them. This just made everything worse.

I was understandably upset at first on Thursday. I had to take a sleeping pill to calm down and sleep, and even then, I slept like ass. Chris came home and immediately went to bed only to be woken up by our roommate an hour later to bitch about me. She explained how she hated the hostile living environment (yet made it worse by kicking us out without talking to us). She said it doesn’t feel like her home anymore (though we never actively told her to go away ever). She explained that she hated picking up after us (except she rarely did). She went off on a few scenarios that never happened, exploded at Chris, then would apologize and start bawling. She is unhinged. We are so incredibly happy to be leaving now, and completely understand why her other roommates left.

It’s super uncomfortable now. I haven’t not had a panic attack since Thursday night. I’ve puked from adrenaline after seeing more notes around. After leaving a note of my own, she threatened to kick us out earlier (thanks to the internet for reminding me to keep the written notification safe because that is legally binding). Apparently, she can leave all the notes she wants, but when someone retaliates, they’re “not respecting” her. Chris talked her down. Seriously. Fucking. Insane. He also told her to stop leaving notes around everywhere because without her being there, it just makes it worse. So, we’re not allowed to talk to each other at all now. It is for the best. I will keep to the room. We’re even going to move all of our stuff to our room to give her ALL the house back.

We found a place to live immediately. A friend of ours opened her home to us, and we plan on moving asap. We’re making sure everything is packed ahead of time like normal. I would like to be able to be calm. I don’t know how to calm down without alcohol or pot. Breathing, distractions, consciously trying to calm myself down doesn’t help at all. I hate it. I have had anxiety in one form or another since the shootings in Aurora on the 20th. It’s frustrating. I am hoping this move will make me calm.

We had a few bumps, but we thought that everything was fine. We hate moving, and was hoping this would be the last place we lived in until I went into the military. It’s fucking ridiculous is what it is.

*sigh*I feel better after writing this. Lorien was right that it would help to vent. I didn’t even vent everything I wanted to, and I feel so much better. And after exercising tonight, I expect to feel even better.

Promised “nakie” pictures.

I promised you guys pictures last weekend. I don’t have terrific ones, but I think back and realize that most people don’t. To get the right views, I had to use a picture from December, which is about a month after I really started, and I was much lighter already than when I state my start weight was. I wish I had better progress pictures, but here they are.

Bwahahaha, I am fat.

 

Yes, same sports bra (haha, not stretching it to nearly SEE THROUGH) and same shorts.

So, this is 33 lbs down between the dates. I do wish Chris ended up taking the 12/10 pictures more straight on me, but obviously can’t change that now, lol. You can’t see my back very well in the side picture, but you can definitely tell that my ass has gone down, and you can tell the rest of the fat on my back has dropped quite a bit, too. The hilarious thing is that my arms don’t look smaller because they are entirely too proportionate to the rest of my body. And you can’t see my legs, which have REALLY changed over the course of this whole thing.

I didn’t realize how much my boobs had gone down. I have noticed how much my waist has gone in, but my hips really don’t seem that much different to me. My neck has a huge difference. I really never thought I would end up posting things like this until I saw them last week-ish and realized that I HAVE changed.

I am oddly proud of this. I know I’m not there fully, but I am getting there. I’m already in way better shape than any female my size. And I just keep getting better. Yesterday, I forgot to mention it, but I did a mile on the elliptical in 15 minutes. I can probably run a mile in less than that now. I leg press 210. I will be going up on weight for my barbell workout. So much progress, and that makes me happy. :3

First, I suck.

I totally promised some progress pictures, but never did them. I forgot. I’m sorry. I will try to work for that this weekend.

Second, WOO ANOTHER LOSS. It’s taken me nearly 2 months to get down the 6 pounds I “gained” coming back to Portland. Fucking seriously? Wtf. Ugh. I’m at 227.2 now as of this morning.

I did measure myself. I should note that I am at work right now, and the paper that I did my measurements on is at home. So that will have to wait until then. But I do remember I lost on my bust and my waist. My waist was something crazy like 2.25 inches. Fucking rock on.

There was a horrible tragedy in Aurora at the Dark Knight Rises screenings at a theater well known for not having…the best of crowds. It’s still sad, and that’s something that will stick out in people’s minds. 12 died. 50 injured. It’s fucking shitty. I really hope no one I know was there. :<

There will be another post this afternoon (ha, “tonight” to me…). Hopefully it’s more, well, happy.

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