Bronchitis fucking sucks.

The great thing about having bronchitis is I can not exercise and don’t have to worry about feeling guilty.

The worst thing about bronchitis is that I feel stupidly guilty for not exercising!

I’m stressed. I cannot pinpoint what about. It’s really frustrating because I can generally tell why I am stressed or what about. I can’t right now. I haven’t been able to for a couple of days. All I want to do is either cry super hard or eat my feelings. Nothing seems to be satisfying my eating, either, so I ignore that one for now.

And before it’s asked, no, not pregnant.

Good thing is that I was able to run to the train stop today for a little bit and walk up stairs and not feel like I was going to have an asthma attack. So, I get to go back to the gym tomorrow.

Today, for no apparent reason, my back decided to super hurt in that one bad spot that I think is a herniated disc. It hurts so bad I feel like I’m going to puke. Here after I post this, I will be laying down flat on my back for a while on heat and ice, and will watch a show or two to catch up with the husband. I am partially excited that this keeps happening because I just signed up for benefits at work and will be able to see a doctor soon. Really worried that it’s happening for seemingly no reason at all and this fucking strong.

Sometimes, I am really surprised that I am functioning.

Well, we’re going on vacation as of Saturday. I am so excited I cannot contain it. I have this whole week of training, so no phones, then all next week in California. It’s going to be in the 80’s there, and Chris’ dad has a freaking hot tub. BATHING SUITS ARE GOING WITH US. We have a car taken care of, everything we want to do is still supposed to be happening. I am just so excited to go somewhere and not worry about anything for a whole week. It will be a nice change. :3

I lost weight last week AND inches. I definitely plan on running this week. My wedding band is amazingly loose. I am worried that I will have to not wear it anymore for fear of losing it! That kind of makes me happy. ;)

Anyway…that’s it. Yeah…….

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Early post this week!

I am posting tonight because…well…this week sucked.

Monday, I was able to run on the treadmill again. In fact, for my fat ass, I was able to run a mile in 14:06. That was fucking exhilarating. I was so proud of myself, and could not wait to be able to try it again the next night. Tuesday, I got hit hard with something. I had no clue what it was. All I knew was with all the coughing and sneezing I was doing by the time I got done with work there was no way I would be able to run. Wednesday, I woke up, and holy fuck what was this new death? My chest hurt, I was hacking, and I felt weighed down. Shit shit shit. I got super sick. Throughout the day, I kept thinking that it felt vaguely like bronchitis. I haven’t had it in years, but you never forget how you feel when you get bronchitis. I couldn’t talk well, and every time I laughed, I coughed until my chest hurt. Ended up being sent home after half of my shift. Looked up everything I had.

Yep. Bron-fucking-chitis. Fucking shit.

Well, it was safe to say that I decided running or exercising with diminished lung power was not a bright idea. So, break time it is. No heavy exercising for at least 3 days, longer depending on how I feel after that. Walking for more than 10 minutes makes me wheeze right now. There is no way I will be doing anything that gets my heart rate up for a few days.

Next week, Chris and I will be on opposite schedules again. I will be starting at 7 am, he will be starting at 11 am. I start Connectivity training next week, which is what Chris does at work. Fucking awesome. And Chris will be leading the control of the nesting of the new Connectivity people next week, which is why his schedule is changing. This puts a kink in our plans that we had for next week. Well, so does the bronchitis, but the opposite schedules is pretty bad, too. We were planning on having a “hell week”. As of October 13th, we’re on vacation. While we plan on being fairly active the entire week, we don’t plan on eating COMPLETELY healthy, and will try to go to the gym, but won’t make it a requirement. We wanted to do a nice push the week before to kind of carry us over (if bodies even work like that). With the opposite schedules (and the bronchitis), we won’t be able to actually get to push each other. I might have to start over with my running (to be fair, I had only started week 2, so I won’t be losing a lot of progress). Now, we will still be exercising, but we won’t be able to do what we were planning. Booooo, but what the fuck ever. We will still push forward!

I still weigh in and do measurements tomorrow. I feel thinner, but I have felt thinner and actually wasn’t before. So, we shall see! I am hopeful! I have definition on my legs that I haven’t had before, and my arms and stomach seem smaller. Won’t know anything for sure until tomorrow. I will probably do a short update tomorrow night about that. :3

This IS the hard part.

I gained again this week.

We did so well at the gym all week. I just don’t even know anymore. I will be dropping my calorie intake a few hundred just to be sure, but I am actually starting to get discouraged.

No, not discouraged. Seriously frustrated.

I don’t want to stop. I won’t stop. I’m too god damn stubborn to stop now. I have come a VERY long way. No, I don’t want comments about how I should stick to it. I fucking will. You all know I will. I am tired of hearing it.

I am so frustrated with it all that I am constantly angry. I haven’t gone anywhere weight wise. Not really size wise, either. Four months of this. It’s really fucking killing me.

I let things take over. Everything that is wrong with me becomes a disease. I’m neurotic. Obsessive. Self-deprecating. And I still push myself. Apparently not far enough.

I don’t even want to talk about this anymore, that’s how upsetting it is. I guess it’s time for bed.

Is this the hard part?

I’ve been feeling…well, less up to everything than normal. I am very adamant about watching what I eat still, but I cannot get myself to exercise. I have not been feeling good after I exercise at all like I used to.

For some reason that I cannot explain, I am in a lot of pain. The only thing I can think of what has changed was that I got a new water bottle from my roommate that I cannot drink out of well… Maybe I have been having less water? I have no idea, because it feels to me like I am still drinking enough water. After working out, my muscles hurt a lot more than they used to. I get enough sleep and I feel like I worked out entirely too much the night before, even if I didn’t. It’s been happening for the past 4 days now.

Just to be safe, I took a pregnancy test today (for those that don’t remember, I have an IUD – checking for pregnancy is vital). It came out negative, which is what I was expecting, but now I don’t know what else could be wrong. There are spots on my back that feel wrong and the only thing I can find out about the pain is possible herniated discs. I have 3 spots that give me trouble, and they have been way worse than normal. I haven’t had a day where I DIDN’T have a headache for 3 days now. My leg muscles feel weak or torn or overworked at different points in the day. It all seems so random that I don’t think I can figure out what is happening. Maybe some of my other weight loss friends can help me? I am pretty sure that the headache might be related to a toothache, but my teeth really don’t hurt all that often or coincide much with the location of the pain.

I did lose weight this week! At first, I didn’t. I gained weight. Just over 2 pounds. I was depressed about that Saturday. My waist and ribs went down on measurements, but that was it. At least I didn’t gain there again. On Saturday, before I ate, I decided it might be a good idea to weigh myself again. I had ended up losing 3.6 lbs. I am not sure what it was, but that made me feel good. Yesterday in itself was a really shitty day, but at least I lost weight, and more than I thought I had gained this past week. Well, whatever, moving on.

I really want to be under 220 when I go to California. I don’t know how feasible that will be. I have been stuck between 230 and 225 for months now, even after adjusting caloric intake and exercise. It just makes me feel very much like I’ve hit a brick wall. I am not giving up, not after everything I have done. I just don’t know what else I can do to try to shock my system or even make my body stop hurting. If any of you have suggestions, those of you that have been where I am, please let me know what you did! I might have either tried it, but if I haven’t, I just might…

Work makes blogging difficult

I was supposed to blog last week. I didn’t. I don’t remember why I didn’t other than I was super busy with work for some reason.

Getting used to working out while having a job has been interesting. Starting this almost 2 years ago, I had a full time job. I wasn’t as invested as I am now, though. I really got into everything when I didn’t have a job, and it was easier to do. To be fair, this isn’t that hard. What’s hard is having roommates that are overweight and not as progressed or invested as us. Especially since it’s very much a communal kitchen, I dislike having to cook “healthier” things for myself if the meal isn’t low enough calorie for me (which hasn’t happened too often). I feel like a dick or disrespectful or something. I know I’m not logically, but that doesn’t stop how I feel. What makes it hard is that I do not like feeling as if I have insulted someone. So, I’ve had to deal with that.

I have lost the weight I gained! Well, not all of it, just back at 227, but better than gaining again. I took my measurements last week and had gained a bit. That really upset me. Starting on Monday, I am going hardcore on everything. I increased my calories so that I could increase my exercise, and I haven’t increased my exercise much. So, on Monday, I will be starting 2 or 3 days of strength and 5 or 6 days of cardio a week. I will be going to the gym to do so every night after work. I need to tell myself “no excuse” again. Because I don’t have one. I will feel better doing it again, too. Also, I REALLY want to be under 220 when I go to California in a month (FOUR WEEKS) so that I can tell my step mother-in-law that I have officially lost over 60 pounds since the last time she saw me.

I’d post my measurements, but I am incredibly too lazy to go get them out of the bedroom.

Because I gained weight, I am still just under 20% lost. That annoys me.

I don’t know what else to post about other than work. I am still working out, though, admittedly, not as heavy as I should be, but that is changing. A lot of my life is work right now. I am being recognized there and that makes me happy. I am very much exceeding my own expectations of myself, and I am impressing people that I work for. Just can’t go to another department until I hit 90 days. That’s fine, though. That’s in just a month. :)

I guess that’s it. I miss talking online! I miss you all! Your support is what keeps me going, so please give me all you have! :D

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Back on the saddle!

Started tracking again on Saturday. Had a birthday party to go to for my little cousins, so I ended up eating more than 1000 calories OVER my limit, but I expected that. I know I had been doing bad, but holy fuck that is bad. Anyway, have been under for yesterday and today (so far). Yesterday, Chris forced me out and had me do a lot of things that I didn’t like doing.

Seriously, I haven’t done heavy cardio things for at least a couple months. It was pretty bad. Suicides, burpees, jumps (I JUMPED LIKE A RABBIT FOREVER, GUISE), jumping jacks (loooool, srsly my tits hate those), and kick boxing/sparring with the husband. PLUS some logic puzzles. Then I went into the pool.

Today, I went and “swam” for 40 minutes. I can’t get my hair wet with chlorinated water right now since I just dyed it, but I ran up and down the length of the pool and did kicks. I. Am. Sore. We’re still going to the gym, too. I am hoping to lose a good amount of weight this week. :D

I raised my calories to 2000 for now. I will probably drop them back down in a little while.

Anyway! Everything has been going good. New place is kind of awesome. Only slightly. ;) We are seriously encouraging our new roommates to lose weight and exercise, and they love it. They needed the extra push, and that’s what we’re doing. It makes me feel good to be able to help people do all this shit. Also, one roommate has a gluten intolerance, so we’re learning new recipes! The bad part of that is that gluten-free items tend to be more processed. But! I don’t have to eat it! :D

New post probably at the end of the week. I didn’t measure last week, so I will end up switching the weeks that I do that on. I’ll start it back up this week.

My bad, yo.

It’s been a couple weeks since I posted. I last posted about the wondrous soon-to-be-ex-roommate. I have done 2 weigh ins since then, and had a realization about everything.

I have gained both weeks, but nothing huge. I haven’t even gained a whole pound total, so I am not too upset. I realized over this past week, though, that I haven’t been sleeping much. Sleep is a HUGE factor in weight loss. If you aren’t getting enough of it for your body to rest and reset, you aren’t going to lose very well. I only have one more week of 5 hour nights and long days at work, and not even a full week! This week is my last week in training, and we only have a three day week. It’s going to be beautiful. And next Sunday, I start on the phones and will be moved into the new place.

We bought Chris a real cell phone yesterday. We haven’t had a real cell phone in 3 years. The number we’ve had for the past year and a half is just a simple flip phone. The new phone is an Android based phone (the AT&T Fusion) and still a prepaid phone. But it’s a fairly decent phone with a new number and our roommate doesn’t have the number! We’ll be buying me the same phone tomorrow, and for the first time in 3 years, Chris and I will have separate phones. Kind of crazy.

Speaking of ways that our roommate cannot get a hold of us! Not only are we getting rid of the old number, but we have created a new email address that will forward any emails from her to. The new email address has Vacation Responder set up to say that we don’t accept emails from crazy people anymore. We’re leaving a bogus forwarding address in case she decides to come visit us. She is going to hate us, and I am going to be happy that she will never be able to reach us. Get this drama filled life behind me.

I realized yesterday where my problem with most roommates is. I hate girly girls. Well, don’t hate, I just really don’t get along with most of them. Probably because most of them are batshit crazy. Chris even realized that he hates girls. The only women he likes are the ones that I absolutely adore. Shannon, my mom, Lorien…the one thing we all have in common? We AREN’T. THAT. GIRLY. I should probably filter people more…

That’s it for me now. I’ll post more next weekend when I move. It shall be fun. :)

Drama drama drama…

…and info on my weigh in on Friday. I only lost 0.2 lbs last week, but I noticed my scale said a 1% drop in body fat, so I am okay with it all (Chris lost 1.6 lbs, and expects to be below 310 again this week). Also, my wedding band is continually having issues with staying on, lol. Walking in the morning seems to be helping me out with my weight loss stuff, even without me exercising at the gym regularly.

Drama.

I have felt something off about our current roommate since I met her. I ignore those kinds of things most of the time, especially at first. I have social anxiety, that must be the problem. These people are normal, not out to get me. Well, these feelings never went away. There are people at work that I have known for less time and am WAY more comfortable around. This should have been a sign.

We are being kicked out of our place. We have until August 27th, but we plan on being out 2 weeks before that, maybe one. I came home Thursday night to a note posted on the wall giving us notice; two days before, everything was just fine. The straw that broke the camel’s back? We washed the dishes wrong. I wish I were fucking joking. I have a specific way I wash the dishes and I get super annoyed when they aren’t done that way. Do I freak out and start attacking people because of it? No. I let it roll off my back and understand that not everyone does dishes the exact way I do. It isn’t that fucking hard, at all. Everyone isn’t going to cater to me, I get over it. I don’t do well with passive-aggressive notes. They are REALLY condescending and patronizing. I hate it. Thursday and Friday, the living area were COVERED with them. This just made everything worse.

I was understandably upset at first on Thursday. I had to take a sleeping pill to calm down and sleep, and even then, I slept like ass. Chris came home and immediately went to bed only to be woken up by our roommate an hour later to bitch about me. She explained how she hated the hostile living environment (yet made it worse by kicking us out without talking to us). She said it doesn’t feel like her home anymore (though we never actively told her to go away ever). She explained that she hated picking up after us (except she rarely did). She went off on a few scenarios that never happened, exploded at Chris, then would apologize and start bawling. She is unhinged. We are so incredibly happy to be leaving now, and completely understand why her other roommates left.

It’s super uncomfortable now. I haven’t not had a panic attack since Thursday night. I’ve puked from adrenaline after seeing more notes around. After leaving a note of my own, she threatened to kick us out earlier (thanks to the internet for reminding me to keep the written notification safe because that is legally binding). Apparently, she can leave all the notes she wants, but when someone retaliates, they’re “not respecting” her. Chris talked her down. Seriously. Fucking. Insane. He also told her to stop leaving notes around everywhere because without her being there, it just makes it worse. So, we’re not allowed to talk to each other at all now. It is for the best. I will keep to the room. We’re even going to move all of our stuff to our room to give her ALL the house back.

We found a place to live immediately. A friend of ours opened her home to us, and we plan on moving asap. We’re making sure everything is packed ahead of time like normal. I would like to be able to be calm. I don’t know how to calm down without alcohol or pot. Breathing, distractions, consciously trying to calm myself down doesn’t help at all. I hate it. I have had anxiety in one form or another since the shootings in Aurora on the 20th. It’s frustrating. I am hoping this move will make me calm.

We had a few bumps, but we thought that everything was fine. We hate moving, and was hoping this would be the last place we lived in until I went into the military. It’s fucking ridiculous is what it is.

*sigh*I feel better after writing this. Lorien was right that it would help to vent. I didn’t even vent everything I wanted to, and I feel so much better. And after exercising tonight, I expect to feel even better.

Chris’ measurements.

I didn’t mention it earlier, but I was able to get Chris’ measurements, too.

He’s gone down a total of 2.75 inches all over his body, 2.25 of it on his ribs alone.

Silly bear, not believing that it’s good to track measurements. :3

Promised “nakie” pictures.

I promised you guys pictures last weekend. I don’t have terrific ones, but I think back and realize that most people don’t. To get the right views, I had to use a picture from December, which is about a month after I really started, and I was much lighter already than when I state my start weight was. I wish I had better progress pictures, but here they are.

Bwahahaha, I am fat.

 

Yes, same sports bra (haha, not stretching it to nearly SEE THROUGH) and same shorts.

So, this is 33 lbs down between the dates. I do wish Chris ended up taking the 12/10 pictures more straight on me, but obviously can’t change that now, lol. You can’t see my back very well in the side picture, but you can definitely tell that my ass has gone down, and you can tell the rest of the fat on my back has dropped quite a bit, too. The hilarious thing is that my arms don’t look smaller because they are entirely too proportionate to the rest of my body. And you can’t see my legs, which have REALLY changed over the course of this whole thing.

I didn’t realize how much my boobs had gone down. I have noticed how much my waist has gone in, but my hips really don’t seem that much different to me. My neck has a huge difference. I really never thought I would end up posting things like this until I saw them last week-ish and realized that I HAVE changed.

I am oddly proud of this. I know I’m not there fully, but I am getting there. I’m already in way better shape than any female my size. And I just keep getting better. Yesterday, I forgot to mention it, but I did a mile on the elliptical in 15 minutes. I can probably run a mile in less than that now. I leg press 210. I will be going up on weight for my barbell workout. So much progress, and that makes me happy. :3

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