I hate stress.

I am sure everyone does. It does massive damage to your body. It seems to do stuff 10 fold to me.

With the risk of going super TMI, I have stomach issues. For those that have known me long enough (or well enough) know that I had the beginnings of an ulcer discovered just over a year ago. With eating better, I tend to not have issues. I am diagnosed with GERDs, but don’t suffer from it often, even when super stressed. My bowels seem to be the issue when I get super stressed. I get (WARNING SUPER SUPER TMI) loose, bloody stool. It might have an underlying issue; it might be related to the beginning ulcer happening. Well, the blood isn’t happening now, but man do I have some bad cramping. It’s pretty miserable.

UPDATE: Seems that there are a few others in class that are having issues with their stomachs. It might be something with the food from here, because we all ate it yesterday…

On top of this, I have stress hives. That is the worst. I itch constantly. My ears tend to get the worst of it because I not only get the anxiety itching, but I get the stress hives. Also, having them on a peeling sunburn is like…being tortured for country secrets or something.

I hate stress.

On a side note, I am sitting in class doing fuck all nothing because my trainer tried to make me sit with people JUST OUT OF TRAINING for sidejacking. Uh, fuck no am I sitting with someone that doesn’t know what they are doing. This entire week, this trainer has given me the feeling that he just doesn’t care. I have seen him sit with 2 people during the test and just give them the fucking answers if they asked. I asked 3 questions on the test that had to do with conflicting information given and stuff we just didn’t go over. I worked hard to make sure that I might be able to pass. I am pissed. Apparently this trainer is being promoted or something and he’s just giving people the answers if they ask for it. It really doesn’t teach us anything. Our training program for accounts is broken and we can’t pull up anything, so I’m fucking lost when it comes to that. Instead, I am looking up articles in our database so that I can learn the process for top call drivers. Currently, the trainer is playing Mass Effect 2. :\

The A/C was fixed here on Friday and Saturday. NOW IT NEVER SHUTS OFF. Fuck, am I cold. The thermostat in the room doesn’t control the A/C in here anymore. It’s brilliant.

This training will drive me insane. :|

This concludes the ranting post. So ready to just…have a week off. Irritated that will take more than 2 months still. OCTOBER. THEN I WILL BE IN CALIFORNIA FOR A WEEK AND NOT WORRY ABOUT SHIT. >:(


Drama drama drama…

…and info on my weigh in on Friday. I only lost 0.2 lbs last week, but I noticed my scale said a 1% drop in body fat, so I am okay with it all (Chris lost 1.6 lbs, and expects to be below 310 again this week). Also, my wedding band is continually having issues with staying on, lol. Walking in the morning seems to be helping me out with my weight loss stuff, even without me exercising at the gym regularly.


I have felt something off about our current roommate since I met her. I ignore those kinds of things most of the time, especially at first. I have social anxiety, that must be the problem. These people are normal, not out to get me. Well, these feelings never went away. There are people at work that I have known for less time and am WAY more comfortable around. This should have been a sign.

We are being kicked out of our place. We have until August 27th, but we plan on being out 2 weeks before that, maybe one. I came home Thursday night to a note posted on the wall giving us notice; two days before, everything was just fine. The straw that broke the camel’s back? We washed the dishes wrong. I wish I were fucking joking. I have a specific way I wash the dishes and I get super annoyed when they aren’t done that way. Do I freak out and start attacking people because of it? No. I let it roll off my back and understand that not everyone does dishes the exact way I do. It isn’t that fucking hard, at all. Everyone isn’t going to cater to me, I get over it. I don’t do well with passive-aggressive notes. They are REALLY condescending and patronizing. I hate it. Thursday and Friday, the living area were COVERED with them. This just made everything worse.

I was understandably upset at first on Thursday. I had to take a sleeping pill to calm down and sleep, and even then, I slept like ass. Chris came home and immediately went to bed only to be woken up by our roommate an hour later to bitch about me. She explained how she hated the hostile living environment (yet made it worse by kicking us out without talking to us). She said it doesn’t feel like her home anymore (though we never actively told her to go away ever). She explained that she hated picking up after us (except she rarely did). She went off on a few scenarios that never happened, exploded at Chris, then would apologize and start bawling. She is unhinged. We are so incredibly happy to be leaving now, and completely understand why her other roommates left.

It’s super uncomfortable now. I haven’t not had a panic attack since Thursday night. I’ve puked from adrenaline after seeing more notes around. After leaving a note of my own, she threatened to kick us out earlier (thanks to the internet for reminding me to keep the written notification safe because that is legally binding). Apparently, she can leave all the notes she wants, but when someone retaliates, they’re “not respecting” her. Chris talked her down. Seriously. Fucking. Insane. He also told her to stop leaving notes around everywhere because without her being there, it just makes it worse. So, we’re not allowed to talk to each other at all now. It is for the best. I will keep to the room. We’re even going to move all of our stuff to our room to give her ALL the house back.

We found a place to live immediately. A friend of ours opened her home to us, and we plan on moving asap. We’re making sure everything is packed ahead of time like normal. I would like to be able to be calm. I don’t know how to calm down without alcohol or pot. Breathing, distractions, consciously trying to calm myself down doesn’t help at all. I hate it. I have had anxiety in one form or another since the shootings in Aurora on the 20th. It’s frustrating. I am hoping this move will make me calm.

We had a few bumps, but we thought that everything was fine. We hate moving, and was hoping this would be the last place we lived in until I went into the military. It’s fucking ridiculous is what it is.

*sigh*I feel better after writing this. Lorien was right that it would help to vent. I didn’t even vent everything I wanted to, and I feel so much better. And after exercising tonight, I expect to feel even better.

Chris’ measurements.

I didn’t mention it earlier, but I was able to get Chris’ measurements, too.

He’s gone down a total of 2.75 inches all over his body, 2.25 of it on his ribs alone.

Silly bear, not believing that it’s good to track measurements. :3

Promised “nakie” pictures.

I promised you guys pictures last weekend. I don’t have terrific ones, but I think back and realize that most people don’t. To get the right views, I had to use a picture from December, which is about a month after I really started, and I was much lighter already than when I state my start weight was. I wish I had better progress pictures, but here they are.

Bwahahaha, I am fat.


Yes, same sports bra (haha, not stretching it to nearly SEE THROUGH) and same shorts.

So, this is 33 lbs down between the dates. I do wish Chris ended up taking the 12/10 pictures more straight on me, but obviously can’t change that now, lol. You can’t see my back very well in the side picture, but you can definitely tell that my ass has gone down, and you can tell the rest of the fat on my back has dropped quite a bit, too. The hilarious thing is that my arms don’t look smaller because they are entirely too proportionate to the rest of my body. And you can’t see my legs, which have REALLY changed over the course of this whole thing.

I didn’t realize how much my boobs had gone down. I have noticed how much my waist has gone in, but my hips really don’t seem that much different to me. My neck has a huge difference. I really never thought I would end up posting things like this until I saw them last week-ish and realized that I HAVE changed.

I am oddly proud of this. I know I’m not there fully, but I am getting there. I’m already in way better shape than any female my size. And I just keep getting better. Yesterday, I forgot to mention it, but I did a mile on the elliptical in 15 minutes. I can probably run a mile in less than that now. I leg press 210. I will be going up on weight for my barbell workout. So much progress, and that makes me happy. :3


Actually, not really beer. The right beer is great. No, I’m having cocktails tonight. Fuck yeah.

ANYWAY. I said in my post at god awful early this morning that I lost around a pound-ish. I fucking lied. that I am down to 227.2 lbs. (Apparently I don’t remember what I posted 12 hours ago, hur.) I lost 2.2 pounds. What? How did that happen? Seriously. I have no idea.

And now I have my measurements on hand! Weeee! I really didn’t think I did my waist right, but looking at myself in the gym (yeah, I check myself out), I can REALLY see that I have lost that since I started going. Virtually no more BACK BOOB. FUCK YEAH.

Right. Measurements.

  • Neck: 15.5 (I am certain this isn’t going to change ever again…)
  • Bust: 46.5 (-0.5)
  • Ribs: 38.0 (0)
  • Waist: 42.0 (-2.25)

So, yeah. Super happy with this. Eventually, I will lose all the fat everywhere else on my body and I will start losing my hips finally (most of my fat right now is around my lower abdomen region, right where my hips are measured). I hate that I’m “pearing” out like this, but fat loses wherever fat loses.

I love seeing myself in the mirror now. I can stand seeing myself naked now (though that lower abdomen really is annoying me), and I can seriously see the change in my chest, arms, and waist really well. And my shoulders. Yeah, I am firming up quite nicely, actually. Super in love with it.


With that, I wanted to make a random side note: I will rock at this job. The guy I sidejacked with today wasn’t the best example at all, but I learned a lot of…uh, how to not be a condescending cocksucker on the phone! HAHA.

I’m serious, though. This guy got frustrated super easy. To be fair, this woman couldn’t distinguish the words “computer” and “console”…so, yeah.

I was going to blog about phrases being said on Twitter, but fuck you. Go read Twitter. From this person, this chick, and this random guy that totally isn’t my husband. We’re pretty awesome.

First, I suck.

I totally promised some progress pictures, but never did them. I forgot. I’m sorry. I will try to work for that this weekend.

Second, WOO ANOTHER LOSS. It’s taken me nearly 2 months to get down the 6 pounds I “gained” coming back to Portland. Fucking seriously? Wtf. Ugh. I’m at 227.2 now as of this morning.

I did measure myself. I should note that I am at work right now, and the paper that I did my measurements on is at home. So that will have to wait until then. But I do remember I lost on my bust and my waist. My waist was something crazy like 2.25 inches. Fucking rock on.

There was a horrible tragedy in Aurora at the Dark Knight Rises screenings at a theater well known for not having…the best of crowds. It’s still sad, and that’s something that will stick out in people’s minds. 12 died. 50 injured. It’s fucking shitty. I really hope no one I know was there. :<

There will be another post this afternoon (ha, “tonight” to me…). Hopefully it’s more, well, happy.

Woohoo! A loss!

Wasn’t much of a loss, but pretty much everything I gained last week has been lost this week. :D That makes me happy. Back down to 229.4 lbs.

I ran into another couch earlier this week. Monday night, to be exact. Resulting in…a sprained toe. The same toe that I broke. I was really scared that I broke it again, but when I woke up Tuesday and the pain had mostly subsided, I was quite thankful. However, I spent all of Tuesday and Wednesday off my feet for the most part. Yesterday I went and got my hair cut (still need to dye it, jeebus), and today I went out and decided my toe was well enough for exercising. I went without Chris, since we ended up staying up later than we wanted last night. And no, my toe didn’t like it, but it didn’t completely stop me, either. That’s a good sign for me. :)

I did well, methinks. I did a lot of the stuff that Chris and I do together, upped a lot of the weight (oh, my abs might hate me later), and even found a good pectoral fly machine that makes sure only your pecs are working. I did 30 minutes total on the elliptical, and my normal stretches. Then …I got naked in the gym.

Okay, this is probably literally the first time I’ve been naked in public since high school swim class… (Totally not counting those times….wait…my mom reads this blog. HI, MOM.) And I would just like to point out that I didn’t feel…exposed at all. It was really weird. I didn’t have any anxiety about it, I just did it. The entire month I’ve been going to the gym, I have been telling myself, “They all have the same body parts as you, they are all here to get healthy, and they are all in their own little worlds.” And it’s true. It helped so much telling myself that for so long. I still felt awkward when I had to not have panties on (it’s TOM, and I don’t wear tampons anymore since my period isn’t that heavy), but it was just slightly awkward.

I’m oddly proud of myself. I have super horrible anxiety problems. I don’t think I’m ready to be taking nude photos of myself yet, but I have some confidence now. It’s…freeing.

I looked at pictures of me from November. I told myself I wasn’t going to post those kinds of progress photos; the ones where you stand in front of stuff to see how much you have changed. But I will be. Tomorrow, in fact. I hope it really shows as much progress as I see. :D

This is my last week not working. I start up at Stream on Monday at 6 am. It’s going to be weird. Chris and I will see each other for my lunch daily and on the weekends. That’s it. We’ll be sleeping half of our sleep together, and exercising separately. For 4 weeks. At least I get to see him some. This has made me super anxious for the past few days. I do this, though. I will force myself through it and will be happier for it. Happens every time.

:3 See you all tomorrow with some “nakie” pictures of myself. :D

How does this not depress you?

Fact of the matter is that I gained this week. And not the measly little things I had been gaining before. I gained 2.5 lbs this week, and ended back up into the 230’s.

Two weeks of gaining hit me really, REALLY hard today. I am still not discouraged by any means, but I am super disappointed in myself. I wouldn’t have been so depressed if my measurements came back as actually losing something significant. I kind of want to cry again just thinking about it. If I gain again next week, I don’t know what I am doing wrong to actually be gaining. I haven’t had a gain so large after a week of gaining before, and it just hit me so hard that I gained so much. Most of the time that I gained this much, the week prior I had lost a large number, so it was expected!

I’m mostly fine now. I am pretty sure that this past weekend affected me more than I thought it would. I saw something on Twitter from @Fitness that said “diet mistakes are harder to overcome than missed workouts. ” It has to be so true in this case. I have indulged before, but never to the extent of not logging, and of the amount of sugar that I did.

And at least it wasn’t double that weight that I gained.

Measurements! Doing both mine and Chris’ from now on! Mine:

  • Neck: 15.5 (0)
  • Bust: 47.0 (0)
  • Ribs: 38.0 (0)
  • Waist: 44.25 (-0.75)
  • Hips: 50.0 (0)

For Chris, we’re tracking a couple more things. I expect things to change up and down for him more on his biceps, and not much to change on his hips since we measure under his belly (where he wears his pants).

  • Neck: 18.0
  • Bicep: 16.5
  • Ribs: 49.5
  • Waist: 48.5
  • Hips: 47.0
  • Thigh: 24.75

Since he won’t keep track of these anywhere else, I will keep track of them for him. I am just happy that he is letting me do this. :3

(If you have met my husband,  you will know that if he doesn’t want something done to him, he will make sure it doesn’t happen.)

That’s it for today. Lazy, hot weekend ahead of us, but good, nonetheless. Back to it Monday, and hoping for a much better week next week. :\

What do you mean this was a bad idea?

Chris and I went in today for our third day of exercising in a row. This was the first time we had done it.

Oh, it wasn’t a good idea.

Yesterday, we worked out just fine. And it felt great. Today, while we weren’t super sore, our muscles were super weak, and we just couldn’t get through anything. We lowered the weight on most things (minus leg presses for me, I upped those to 210 today). We did HALF of the exercises we normally do. And then my hamstring decided 8.5 minutes into cardio on the elliptical that it wasn’t having any of it. We took that as a sign (though Chris went to 10 full minutes) and stopped exercising for the day. We ended up being fully done an entire hour before we normally are. So we went to the store and bought some foods to eat.

It wasn’t a great workout. I’m not sad that we tried at all, but am very happy that we had the foresight to stop instead of push through and injure ourselves. We were supposed to be going to the gym tomorrow, too, but I don’t think we will be after what happened today. Instead, we’ll have 3 days off (with some walking at the park this weekend in the 90 degree weather), and then we will be back to the Monday-Wednesday-Friday workouts we were doing.

I convinced Chris to let me take his measurements! He’s been pretty much…head in the ground about the whole thing. He doesn’t want to see how bad he is. I finally told him that it will only get better, and that he likes numbers and should be tracking them for when the scale lies. He’s finally agreed to it, and we’ll be doing them on the same day, so there is no worry about it not getting done! :) He really is thinning out. He can almost fit shirts he was fitting into when we first started dating. :) For those not in the know, that was almost 9 years ago. I am super proud of him right now.

I seem to be getting good muscle built up. I am eating more which means I am burning more at rest. It’s really jarring to have that happen when you’re trying to lose weight, but you really do have to listen to your body when it needs the fuel. I have a few signs I look out for and some tricks to make sure those signs aren’t from boredom.

In just over a week, I start my new job with Chris. There are huge downsides to it all. My class starts at 6 am, and the buses here don’t start running until 5:42 am. :( Because of that, I have to actually walk to the mall about a mile away every morning to catch a bus that goes right by the building. I have to be up at 3:30 am to eat breakfast, get ready, and have enough time to walk over there and catch the right bus. Chris works swing shift. This means that we won’t see each other during the weeks I am in training. It is going to suck giant balls, but we’ll get through it. He’s going to try to be at work around the time I go to lunch, so we’ll get to see each other then, and on weekends, since we’ll both have them off. I am worried about him eating breakfast, since that’s one of his biggest downfalls. :\ Blah, I have faith we’ll get through it all. :3

Update tomorrow with weigh in and measurements! Actually kind of excited for this week. :3

Oh shit, it’s been a week!

D: I didn’t even realize that I haven’t been posting. My bad, guys!

Last week was a lot of fun. We worked really, really hard. I ended up gaining a pound, but I am not worried about it at all. My body is probably back to the lose/gain every other week thing it had been doing. That’s fine with me, really. I feel more fit, I see my body fat percentage going down finally, and I can see myself getting thinner. That’s all that matters.

Last Thursday, Chris played hooky, and we went and did stuff together. Randomly walking around downtown, had a date (ate some amazing Chinese food), walked around a mall that we hadn’t actually been in yet, then went slightly grocery shopping. Not fully, but we needed some things to hold us over until tomorrow. As we were walking to the store, we went past an Old Navy. Chris and I had been talking about getting me some better fitting clothing, so we went in to see what they had. I wasn’t even expecting to be able to find something that will fit me, but we did. I fit their XXL, and possibly their XL stuff. That is super exciting for me. I cannot remember the last time I was able to properly fit in XXL anything with pants! I remember GETTING fat, in 2007, when I went to buy normal fitting things at Walmart and I couldn’t fit a 20 or 22 or 24 anymore. Were my clothes really that stretchy? Was I that deluded? How did I get so bad? I did not try anything on in Old Navy, but we will be doing that next week when we go to buy me some clothes! I am stupid excited about that.

My mom came to visit Friday through Sunday for our Aunt Pat’s 40th wedding anniversary party on Saturday. I absolutely love my cousins, and being able to spend so much time with family was just so relaxing. The downside to get togethers like that is the food. I controlled myself (but didn’t track…sure I went over). Had a little of every appetizer there that wasn’t fried (to be fair, I don’t think any were), ate grilled chicken with my dinner, along with a salad and homemade bread (and one piece of tri tip, so yummy), and then I had some trifle that was there. The trifle was evil. Super evil. SO GOOD. Super evil. I had it 3 times over the last 2 days. Alcohol was consumed on Saturday (3 beers, 2 bourbon lemonades). A cookie and a lemon cupcake were also acquired. Sugar sugar sugar. Woke up with the WORST sugar hangover ever today, and Chris and I just couldn’t make it to the gym. We are for sure working out 4 days this week, though. Upping our cardio by 10 minutes to help the process. Definitely not eating any extra sugar (outside of a couple pieces of bread, and complex carbs of oatmeal and cream of wheat, no extra sugar in those…) for at least 3 days. It was so bad, and I can feel myself slipping. Sugar is a dangerous drug when you have too much of it. So bad, so bad. :|

My cousin has a vegetable garden in his backyard that I am going to go ravage today. Going to get fresh lettuce, spinach, and sugar snap peas before they leave for a while to the beach. Got some garlic scapes from him yesterday, too! Going to make a dip with that. We have left over beer, queso, (had) grilled chicken, and stuff to MAKE more queso (lol). Seriously, this weekend was so awesome.

Have to say, though, that not cussing for a while when around children is just odd for me. ;)

Pictures from this weekend will be on my Facebook, as well as hopefully some video of my cousin Alicia singing.

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