This IS the hard part.

I gained again this week.

We did so well at the gym all week. I just don’t even know anymore. I will be dropping my calorie intake a few hundred just to be sure, but I am actually starting to get discouraged.

No, not discouraged. Seriously frustrated.

I don’t want to stop. I won’t stop. I’m too god damn stubborn to stop now. I have come a VERY long way. No, I don’t want comments about how I should stick to it. I fucking will. You all know I will. I am tired of hearing it.

I am so frustrated with it all that I am constantly angry. I haven’t gone anywhere weight wise. Not really size wise, either. Four months of this. It’s really fucking killing me.

I let things take over. Everything that is wrong with me becomes a disease. I’m neurotic. Obsessive. Self-deprecating. And I still push myself. Apparently not far enough.

I don’t even want to talk about this anymore, that’s how upsetting it is. I guess it’s time for bed.

I HATE EVERYTHING AND FUCK YOU IN YOUR FACE

Today has been hard on me.

It’s the first day I haven’t been able to talk to my husband for the majority of the day. Got a little bit of him for an hour. He was productive today. But still no money from the ex-landlord so that he can buy a god damn wireless network card so I can talk to him while he’s at home. Fuck that shit. Seriously.

So, it’s hit me kind of hard that I just can’t up and talk to my husband when I want to tonight. Pretty hard. And then fucking people and their going out and doing shit and being happy with their marriages and together and having money and Valentine’s Day and FUCK YOU ALL FOR NOT BEING MORE SYMPATHETIC TOWARDS ME.

This is what it’s like in my head.

It’s all dumb. It will all pass. And seriously, if any of this gets fucking easier and I stop missing him so much, something is god damn wrong.


It really didn’t fucking help that someone else mentioned adoptable kitties and I was sent into a fucking spiral of OH GOD I MISS MY KITTIES AND FUCKING HELL THRALL AND CAIRNE DID THE CUTEST FUCKING SHIT.

It’s not any easier, hours later, writing this. It’s just as painful. And it probably won’t be any easier with me feeling fucking horrible about having to give them up. I think of them taking them away in their kennel and my chest tightens and my face warms. My poor babies. Cairne (to the right) was adopted almost immediately (AND HOW THE FUCK WOULDN’T HE? HE’S SLEEPING ON HIS GOD DAMN FACE). The website told us that. I haven’t seen anything about Thrall (right and down). A knot sits in my stomach when I think that he doesn’t have a home yet. And that’s horrible, because he was fucking lovey with me (and apparently boxes that he cannot fit into…HE’S CHEAP FUCKING ENTERTAINMENT PLEASE ADOPT MY BABY). He was my baby, and I don’t fucking have him anymore. That is fucking terrible. Almost as bad as one of them dying.

Chris luckily has Frankie (below). She’s really too old to be in a shelter now. At 7 years old, she would have been hard to adopt, despite her fucking adorable face and fluffy fur (“Look at this belly…why wouldn’t you want to rub it? I stretch further if you scratch my armpits just right…”). I am pretty sure she only loves Chris and I, though. Chris says with me not around, she is super talkative, and sleeps with him every chance she gets (which is every night). I miss all of them dearly.

 

 

 

 

Seriously, today, go fuck yourself. I know you’re almost over, but go fuck yourself and your emotions and shit.

AND TAKE THIS GOD DAMN CYST ON MY OVARY WITH YOU. BECAUSE I TOTALLY NEED MORE PHYSICAL PAIN.

Weigh In

I only lost one pound today, and no body fat.

I really wasn’t expecting to lose much.

I’ve had an earache for the majority of the week, and side pain. I’ve still been exercising through it, but it has been bringing me down anyway. I won’t let this discourage me, but it doesn’t help with my attitude. There’s been a lot of stuff going on in my head that I would love to talk about, but can’t. And don’t ask, I won’t tell you.

More exercise today and tomorrow, first time doing it 3 days in a row. Will be posting again on Saturday on my off day!

 

(and now it looks like we won’t even be getting our fridge today, and that just pisses me the fuck off even more)