Goal reward and weird weight loss…

I watch The Biggest Loser. It makes me cry. Pretty hard sometimes. I struggle with a lot of what they struggle with, as do most overweight people. I’m an empathetic person, too, so I tend to feel heartbreak when I see it.

They went to Hawaii this week to battle the excuse “I can’t lose weight while on vacation”.

Guys, I think I’m in love.

I have seen things from Hawaii, and they never really hit me. Then I see it on Biggest Loser. It’s beautiful. THE WATER IS CLEAR. I want to do things that I never thought I would have wanted to do before; learn to surf, hike up a fucking volcano, SNORKELING, and visiting the Pearl Harbor Memorial.

I haven’t had a goal size reward planned yet. I didn’t think that far ahead. I figured, “Hey, getting pregnant and raising a family is rewarding enough, right?” Well, I decided that going to Hawaii when I get to my goal size will be my reward.

And notice I said size, not weight. I can be at my goal weight (which is 160) and still not be the size I want to be (which is a 12, and I’m even thinking 8 or 10 now).

Now, I’ve never been outside of the continental United States. I have never seen ocean so clean you can see your feet 5 ft down. I’ve never wanted to go somewhere that I can wear a bikini everywhere and not get weird looks for. I’ve been so obsessed with how much I hate myself and that must mean that everyone else hates me just as much. I don’t want to see myself in a bathing suit, who the hell else would want to? Now I am at a point where I can think, “Holy fuck, I will be skinny enough to not only look good, but might even get stared at with the curves I have naturally.” This is a good place. I am still big, but now I can plan for when I am skinny. So, Hawaii it is.

The downside is that I want it to be something Chris and I do before children, so we have to put them off. However, it will be considered our last “hurrah”, and we will try immediately after.

My stomach is losing weight now. I think I only posted about this on Twitter. The sides of my stomach in between my obliques and upper abs have been losing weight, and it’s making me look odd. Not complaining about losing the weight, just more that it isn’t consistent all over my belly, lol.

My neck is skinnier, my shoulders are looking thinner, I have to constantly tighten my pajama pants. I am really happy with my weight loss right now.

I am kind of happy as a whole emotionally. I get to see my husband in 2 weeks, and that gives me something to look forward to. Especially since he hasn’t seen me in 2 months and he gets to see how much weight I’ve lost!

Now, I get to fix my keyboard on my laptop that I broke last week! *whoosh*


The day that was entirely too emotional…


The day I hit my fucking 10% lost goal.


Yeah. You read that right. I lost 5.8 lbs this week. I don’t know how I did it. I am fairly convinced that stress is the main cause for it all. But I am officially 240 pounds AND ALMOST UNDER IT.

This morning, before I weighed myself, after I woke up severely hungover (or still fucking drunk, I’m not sure), I saw a post from my husband on Google+. Our baby, our kitten, had not been adopted yet. Kudos to whoever wrote the description for him on the Oregon Humane Society page, though. Warcraft fan, ftw! *fistbump* I bawled. For a while. As much as I miss him, him not being adjusted to shelter life and having troubles getting adopted is fucking heartbreaking. And I’m so conflicted because if he doesn’t get adopted, we might be able to adopt him again!

So, that’s what caused a large amount of emotion this morning.

Then I lost a lot of weight. I didn’t do much this week other than go hiking up a hill for only 50 minutes. I am not sure if it’s the stress, my hormones balancing, or my body just getting used to the weight loss. I lost ten fucking percent of my starting weight. If you want to get really technical, since I came to Oregon last May, I have lost forty fucking pounds. Seriously. FORTY.

I am in a bit of shock. I didn’t expect weight loss this week. I’ve been going over  my calories, and not really exercising. I am losing as much weight as some people do on The Biggest Loser, but with doing hardly anything… It’s so conflicting. I am sitting here telling myself that it can’t be proper weight loss. The scale is wrong (it is, but we know by how much). It’s muscle loss. Everything I can to tell myself that there is no way this is proper weight loss.

That’s how fucked I am in the head.

So, emotional day today.

We looked at my ID last night, with my picture that was taken in July. Uh. I was fat. My face was very, very fluffy. Look at that! That was me back in July.

I mean, I’m still fat, but just not as much. I mean, this is me a few weeks ago. I’m probably even skinnier now, but I haven’t taken a good shot of myself in a while. That difference, though.

You really don’t notice this shit when it’s happening to you. :3

Here’s to another 30 lbs lost, hopefully another 40 shortly, and then I will be under 200 lbs for the first time in my adult life.