Partial recap of the month…

So, some of you might remember that I posted about my goal to lose 5 lbs this month in this post. I had been slacking. Letting myself slip. I was really depressed most of February because I had to leave my husband behind in Portland. I know I will be able to see him again (unlike my boys), but it’s really painful to be so far away. Whoever fucking said that distance doesn’t matter when you love something so much was in utter denial. Distance is everything to me right now. >:(

ANYWAY. *cough*

Yes. I didn’t cut back on alcohol much, but I did make sure to not go COMPLETELY over my calories, or do some heavy exercise the next day. There were a couple times where that didn’t happen. In fact, a lot of this week I ended up going over on my calories, but not by much. My gain this week was only 0.8 lbs, so I don’t find that as TOO bad. My gains have been quite small compared to the previous week’s loss! And this gain still kept me over my weight loss goal for this month!

I should probably say what that was!

My weight on 3/2 was 243.6 lbs. My weight today is 236.4 lbs. Total loss this month is 7.2 lbs! More than my goal (woohoo) and almost spot on with my monthly average I mentioned in the post linked above.

Today was also measurement day, but I had absolutely no loss with that in the past 2 weeks. That right there is quite odd to me, because I am pretty sure I’ve always had a loss with my measurements before. To be fair, though, I WAS measuring myself with a stretchy string…lol!

I don’t know if I mentioned it here on the blog, but I am wearing a boot for my retarded broken toe. It hasn’t been healing. It’s almost there, but then I exercise or walk around for longer than an hour and all of a sudden it’s swollen for a day or two again. So, I threw the boot on and I’m taking it easy for a bit. Only a week right now, but we shall see how I am on Tuesday or Wednesday without it on. I don’t WANT to wear the boot when Chris is here next week (OMFG SIX DAYS GUYS), but I will do it if my body says I have to.

Another idea was given to me by The Biggest Loser last night with money incentive for loss. Not the $1,000 they were doing per pound, but the idea is still cool nonetheless. With me wearing the boot right now, though, the incentive is just kind of wasted. I can’t do many exercises, so I’m only eating healthy right now (well, yeah, mostly). But once I am out of this boot, it’s on like fucking Donkey Kong!

Speaking of The Biggest Loser, holy fuck, was this last episode just FULL of the worst advertisements I’ve seen in a while. The beginning of the show was pretty much nothing but a huge ad for Newman’s. Holy. Fucking. Shit. I really only slightly pay attention to the show now. An hour and a half (on Hulu) is entirely too long for it now. Just…ugh. /rant

I’m teaching myself how to code! I want to be useful! Learning JavaScript right now. Will be teaching myself Python in the future. No, this is not a place to suggest what to learn. I’ve already made up my mind. :P I discovered Codecademy yesterday, and I fucking love it. The math is getting harder, but I am having so much fun actually making things WORK. :3

It’s rainy season here! Klamath Falls apparently has proper seasons here! This is good news for me, because it means it will be warming up soon, and I might be able to go HIKING again! YAY. I mean, I can’t do anything with this stupid ass toe, but shortly I will be able to hike and see the town all green (instead of this mucky brown shit). We have also been talking about going to Crater Lake and the lava tunnels here in Southern Oregon, both of which I am really excited to go to. Lots of hiking involved with both, and I LOVE exploring. :D

I probably won’t post an actual weight post next Friday seeing as my husband will be here, and he’s more important than any of you fuckers (yeah, I said it…). I don’t expect to have much of a web presence then, so here’s a warning. I’ll try to remember to post about the boot and if I still have to wear it.

This. Is the end of the post.


Goal reward and weird weight loss…

I watch The Biggest Loser. It makes me cry. Pretty hard sometimes. I struggle with a lot of what they struggle with, as do most overweight people. I’m an empathetic person, too, so I tend to feel heartbreak when I see it.

They went to Hawaii this week to battle the excuse “I can’t lose weight while on vacation”.

Guys, I think I’m in love.

I have seen things from Hawaii, and they never really hit me. Then I see it on Biggest Loser. It’s beautiful. THE WATER IS CLEAR. I want to do things that I never thought I would have wanted to do before; learn to surf, hike up a fucking volcano, SNORKELING, and visiting the Pearl Harbor Memorial.

I haven’t had a goal size reward planned yet. I didn’t think that far ahead. I figured, “Hey, getting pregnant and raising a family is rewarding enough, right?” Well, I decided that going to Hawaii when I get to my goal size will be my reward.

And notice I said size, not weight. I can be at my goal weight (which is 160) and still not be the size I want to be (which is a 12, and I’m even thinking 8 or 10 now).

Now, I’ve never been outside of the continental United States. I have never seen ocean so clean you can see your feet 5 ft down. I’ve never wanted to go somewhere that I can wear a bikini everywhere and not get weird looks for. I’ve been so obsessed with how much I hate myself and that must mean that everyone else hates me just as much. I don’t want to see myself in a bathing suit, who the hell else would want to? Now I am at a point where I can think, “Holy fuck, I will be skinny enough to not only look good, but might even get stared at with the curves I have naturally.” This is a good place. I am still big, but now I can plan for when I am skinny. So, Hawaii it is.

The downside is that I want it to be something Chris and I do before children, so we have to put them off. However, it will be considered our last “hurrah”, and we will try immediately after.

My stomach is losing weight now. I think I only posted about this on Twitter. The sides of my stomach in between my obliques and upper abs have been losing weight, and it’s making me look odd. Not complaining about losing the weight, just more that it isn’t consistent all over my belly, lol.

My neck is skinnier, my shoulders are looking thinner, I have to constantly tighten my pajama pants. I am really happy with my weight loss right now.

I am kind of happy as a whole emotionally. I get to see my husband in 2 weeks, and that gives me something to look forward to. Especially since he hasn’t seen me in 2 months and he gets to see how much weight I’ve lost!

Now, I get to fix my keyboard on my laptop that I broke last week! *whoosh*


…and I know how to use it!

No, really, I do.

Some of you might remember my measurements I was taking almost 2 months ago (god, have I really been this lazy…). I was using a string, that was kind of stretchy, and putting that on a regular tape measure. Not quite accurate, but I had made it work, mostly.

So, I am starting my measurements from THIS entry now, since I know that they are accurate. They are as follows:

  • Neck: 17
  • Bust: 49
  • Ribs: 40.5
  • Waist: 50.5
  • Hips: 53

I gained 3.2 lbs this week, making me JUST AT my 10% weight loss goal. That’s slightly depressing. I will have to work hard to lose weight again.

Oh, right. Broken toe (which, we’ve pretty much confirmed it is…).

This is a bump in the road, and I know I can get around it, but I can’t do the things that help me lose weight quickly. Time to find ways to exercise that doesn’t include my feet.

We did, last night. Well, my lovely husband did. YouTube videos for high energy exercises that you do in an office chair. Pretty freaking awesome if you tell me. I’m worried about a couple of them because they have you lift your knee up, but I am fairly confident I can lift my knee up without using my toes thanks to kick boxing.

I miss kick boxing so much. It’s not offered anywhere here.

So, I have up to 4 weeks of not heavily using my toes, which means 4 weeks of no hiking. Tomorrow I am taping up my toe. I injured it again last night while getting a Coke Zero, put all my weight on the foot, so I want to have one more day of it being elevated without being taped up. I’ll probably still keep it elevated while it’s taped, but we’ll see how I feel.

I am quite discouraged by this injury. All I want to do is eat all the shitty stuff that I do to make myself feel better. I feel useless. I miss everything. And now I can’t go hiking, which I love to do, because I ran into the fucking couch. I believe it sent my depression spiraling. I am hoping the exercises my husband found will help keep me active. I’ve lost a lot of tone (but not really muscle), so I feel kind of like I’ve given up on myself, even though that’s not the case.

Sorry for the kind of downer post. I’m really not happy with myself, and it’s kind of hard to pump myself up when all I feel is self-loathing. Now I need to figure out how to get out of this without gaining ALL the weight. Need to stay over my 10% weight lost blip. I don’t know if I can handle going back up right now. :\



The Post That Was to Happen Yesterday but Didn’t.

Actually, the plague has taken over me TODAY. Sort of. It’s the beginning of it but HOW DARE IT SHOW ITS UGLY FACE ON A DAY I WAS TO EXERCISE HEAVILY?

Two days ago, I went hiking up Hogback. I got, oh, a third up the lowest peak when I decided to look down. It was steep. I got vertigo (something I have to fight with a lot), so I sat down. Then I got dizzy (so, on top of the “oh fuck I’m going to fall” feeling) from the lack of oxygen. This solidifies why I didn’t exercise in Colorado, lol! So, I took pictures of the town, calmed myself down, then tried not to fall face first going back down the hill.


I felt like a failure. That’s the first time I’ve tried something that I wasn’t able to finish in a long time. I was hiking for about 50 minutes with a 15 lb backpack on, though. I came home covered in sweat and mud. I was super flushed for about an hour after I got home, though.

Today was supposed to be my #2 attempt! Late last night, my throat started getting scratchy. A couple hours later, it hurt to swallow. Sure enough, I check my throat and one of my tonsils is swollen. :\ Well, shit. Maybe it will be fine in the morning? Nope! Chuck Testa! I mean…wait, what was I talking about?

So, none of that exercise shit for a little bit. Being sick is the worst while exercising. Blood pumping, you’re more exhausted since your body is doing more work, chance of it getting worse or spreading. So, I’m out of commission until I am sure that it’s nothing. I really hope the downstairs neighbors didn’t give me the plague that they have had for the past week. The coughing that has been going on downstairs has been fucking horrible. To be fair, they ARE smokers, and that doesn’t help with being sick.

Oh gods. My face is feeling floaty. IS IT GETTING WORSE?

Well, fuck. Okay. Whatever. I haven’t had a good illness in a couple years, and I can’t blame my husband. I’ll find someone, dammit! Maybe I just got sick while being out and exercising on Tuesday? That’s actually a good excuse…

WEIGH DAY TOMORROW. I really need to figure out how to do measurements here… :\


Oh, and re: my TMI post of the year, everything seems okay. I’m still bleeding that weird brown shit (sorry, males that read my blog!), but there is minimal pain now, and I don’t feel like dying. Still not sure what is going on. A huge part of me thinks that I lost my IUD, so I’m going to check for the string as soon as I can.

2.2 lbs away from 10% weight lost!

This is a huge milestone for me.

I’m under 250 (I think…my mom’s scale is a bit off…), and I’m almost to the point where I can say, “Yes, I’ve lost 10% of my starting weight.” And it’s not muscle. It’s mostly body fat! I am actually quite excited about this. I know I should have a non-food treat in preparation for this, but I have no money to go do something with. The thing I REALLY want to do is get a pedicure. I have $5 to my name right now, and that won’t get me anywhere when I lose the rest of the weight, lol.

I have spent a lot of time talking with my husband about things that I can do down here without him. There’s the hill I can go hiking on, but it’s still wet here. And it actually snows down here. It’s harder to do stuff outside when snow is on the ground and your only pair of walking shoes have holes in them. It just doesn’t work out well. :\ I am going to definitely go out there today while it’s still dry, though. It’s supposed to snow all weekend. I fucking hate snow. >:(

We talked about me going to a gym for everything, but I need the contact. I don’t know why, but the contact really helps me out. So we found a ju-jitsu place here. I need to call them and get some information. I am oddly anxious about calling people and talking on the phone in front of my parents. I have no fucking clue why. I never used to be. I am getting worse in my old age. There’s also a skating rink here, and I need to see if they are even open anymore. A lot of shit here is closed down, but still shows up in searches. And almost nothing here has a fucking website. That’s annoying to me. :\ #bigcityproblems

I need to find stuff to do soon. I might end up gaining if I don’t. :< And I can’t have that. I cannot go back to Chris the same weight or heavier than I am now.

The day the sweetness took over (and a recap of my weekend)

Actually, it was yesterday that this happened. Sudden and large, I had a craving for something sweet. Particularly, chocolate. I don’t really get cravings anymore. When I do, though, I tend to give in to them. I needed brownies. I didn’t end up getting them. What I did instead was get shit to make this.

Don’t judge me. I can hear you thinking.

It was delicious. And it hit the fucking spot. So much so that I needed more. I only ate one at first. We ended up splitting a second one because it didn’t fit in the god damn tupperware we have (the biggest one being filled with honeydew). The marshmallows and chocolate melted together inside. It was fucking heaven. Seriously. Fucking. Heaven. I haven’t had such joy eating something like I did last night in a LONG time.

I had one for breakfast.

Then made Chris take them to work. I would have eaten every last one in the house if I had a chance.

So, that totally happened. And I completely accept it because I am still seeing results. I’m not gaining everything back because I decide to treat myself. And that makes me happy.

We had Chinese food over the weekend. It was delicious. Crab puffs and pot stickers and orange chicken and lemongrass pork. Between Chris and I, it was so good. Side note: I am getting SUPER good at using chopsticks; used them for the entire meal and didn’t have to touch the silverware! We went hiking for almost two hours. While we were out and about, we decided that we wanted to do some hardcore camping sometime! Hike into a place with only what we can carry. It’s a goal for us. We can now hike around without stopping too much for rest. Once we stopped because my heart rate was too high (picture to the left). The second time we stopped, we had reached where we wanted to go (below to the right). We got all the way to the sequoia trees and the deck that is built out into them. It was so relaxing to just sit there. Then we headed back, stopped once more (other than a few pictures) at the picnic area. Didn’t stop again until we got to the MAX Station. It was super fun.

But also the reason why I didn’t exercise yesterday. Made it 4 days in a row with exercising! Yesterday I had to rest. Which was very good for me. I did belly dancing today, and it was just harsh. I made it through that without stopping, though! So proud of myself.

Everything is getting easier. Yes, exercise is fucking hard when you start. You are out of shape, and your body wants to fight you. When you see results and realize that there is just so much more you can do after a month or so of exercising, that’s where it’s worth it. I love being still overweight, but in enough shape to hike without stopping. I love the fact that I am losing weight and inches fairly consistently. And I especially love the fact that I am feeling better about myself. If that isn’t what this is all about, then I don’t know why I even started this. :)

Oops! Totally forgot to post!

HAPPY NEW YEAR! First post of the year. :)

So, Friday was my weigh in. I guess I forgot to post because I actually gained .6 of a pound. I am not very upset by this, though. Mostly because I can fit into my XXL shirt from Threadless, who are notorious for having shirts run really small. :) I ended up wearing it all day yesterday, and didn’t feel like it was too tight, ever. Even walked around a restaurant with my jacket off! And posted a picture of myself online (first one in the album)! Yeah, I rarely do that. But I was super proud of it. It means that I might be in the range to be a size 18 sooner than I thought!

Yesterday, Chris and I hiked in Washington Park for 3 hours. It was incredibly fun, but kinda spooky towards the end. We were actually hiking in the dark with no flashlight. Oddly enough, I didn’t sprain my ankle until we got out and were walking on the side of the road. :\ Yeah. I’m special. Lmao. We found a TERRIFIC view of Mt. St. Helens from the park. We left our camera at home, though. That 3 hours of hiking translated into over 2k calories burnt, which was a first for me in one day. I’ve come close before, but never actually went over! It was exciting. And my upper thighs are totally telling me that we did that much work, lmao.

Yesterday, we also did super cheat day. With how much we exercised, I didn’t actually go over my calories, but I went WELL over my carbs. I found out a few days ago that I didn’t get the job that we were so expecting me to get. It’s made me realize a lot of things recently, none very good. So, I needed some comfort food, and I had been doing very well with everything so far, so we cheated. I don’t regret it, but I feel like I overdid everything. My stomach pretty much hates me right now. Back to the grind today, and we’ll not indulge so much next time we have a cheat day (which will probably be Valentine’s…).

Since I sprained my ankle, we’ll probably have to take it easy, exercise wise. It really isn’t so bad, not even swollen anymore, a little bruised and tender, but should be healed in a couple days. Going to take it easy, do only upper body stuff (going to find my weights and use them), and not do anything heavy on my feet for a few days to let it heal properly. :) Then back to it! I hope I lose some this week. This week is also measurement week, so there is that! :) Hopefully see you in a few days!