Is this the hard part?

I’ve been feeling…well, less up to everything than normal. I am very adamant about watching what I eat still, but I cannot get myself to exercise. I have not been feeling good after I exercise at all like I used to.

For some reason that I cannot explain, I am in a lot of pain. The only thing I can think of what has changed was that I got a new water bottle from my roommate that I cannot drink out of well… Maybe I have been having less water? I have no idea, because it feels to me like I am still drinking enough water. After working out, my muscles hurt a lot more than they used to. I get enough sleep and I feel like I worked out entirely too much the night before, even if I didn’t. It’s been happening for the past 4 days now.

Just to be safe, I took a pregnancy test today (for those that don’t remember, I have an IUD – checking for pregnancy is vital). It came out negative, which is what I was expecting, but now I don’t know what else could be wrong. There are spots on my back that feel wrong and the only thing I can find out about the pain is possible herniated discs. I have 3 spots that give me trouble, and they have been way worse than normal. I haven’t had a day where I DIDN’T have a headache for 3 days now. My leg muscles feel weak or torn or overworked at different points in the day. It all seems so random that I don’t think I can figure out what is happening. Maybe some of my other weight loss friends can help me? I am pretty sure that the headache might be related to a toothache, but my teeth really don’t hurt all that often or coincide much with the location of the pain.

I did lose weight this week! At first, I didn’t. I gained weight. Just over 2 pounds. I was depressed about that Saturday. My waist and ribs went down on measurements, but that was it. At least I didn’t gain there again. On Saturday, before I ate, I decided it might be a good idea to weigh myself again. I had ended up losing 3.6 lbs. I am not sure what it was, but that made me feel good. Yesterday in itself was a really shitty day, but at least I lost weight, and more than I thought I had gained this past week. Well, whatever, moving on.

I really want to be under 220 when I go to California. I don’t know how feasible that will be. I have been stuck between 230 and 225 for months now, even after adjusting caloric intake and exercise. It just makes me feel very much like I’ve hit a brick wall. I am not giving up, not after everything I have done. I just don’t know what else I can do to try to shock my system or even make my body stop hurting. If any of you have suggestions, those of you that have been where I am, please let me know what you did! I might have either tried it, but if I haven’t, I just might…


I have a problem…

An actual problem, too. It’s not severe yet, but it’s to the point where I get nauseous from the pain.

I’m sure I blogged about it a couple months ago when the pain started feeling localized. I suspect I have a herniated disc in my spine. Besides the very localized pain on my spine and the nauseating pain, I can actually FEEL a lump on my back. Chris can feel a lump on my back. The muscles all around this lump are super tight. Too much pressure on this lump shoots pain. If I sit up by myself (not leaning or supported), it shoots pain. I can walk, though I shouldn’t, and I can exercise, as I did yesterday. I just. Can’t. Sit.

Ibuprofen doesn’t help it. The only thing that keeps me from feeling like I’m going to puke from pain is a heat pad on my back and my body being supported. Normally, this lasts a whole day, but only one. Today is day three. I will have insurance soon so I can get it looked at, but that won’t be for 4  months still. :(

This post is mostly just me complaining about this god damn pain. Exercise is going well, as I pointed out. With this pain, we’re changing things up to where I am actually trying to build up my back and core muscles. Higher weight, lower reps. From what I’ve read, only building the muscles really helps with herniated discs in the early stages.


Day 6 (and 7): Where did this bruise come from?

I meant to post this yesterday. I completely spaced until 9 PST, and then people wouldn’t have read it.

Yesterday was great. I did every exercise with no problem. Felt terrific, and managed to speed up how quickly I am doing the exercises by ANOTHER 5 minutes. As I was doing the scissor lift (I actually love this one), I noticed a new bruise on the inside/back part of my thigh. This isn’t new to me. I’ve been tearing muscles enough since I started this at the beginning on the week around my knees. Tiny bruising was coming up there. What concerned me was the lump underneath the bruise.

Yep, pretty sure that I had damaged one of my hamstring muscles. I couldn’t feel it! There was absolutely no pain when it happened, so I couldn’t tell you when it actually happened. I just knew immediately that I had to be careful. Exacerbating a hamstring injury is no joke, and I didn’t want to make myself be out of commission for longer than a few days. Light stretches, went to shower off the sweat, and then took a really hot bath. Got out, felt fine for a few hours.

Then the pain hit me. Uncomfortable to sit, had to limp while walking. Pain from the back of my knee to the underside of my butt/hip. Looked up the symptoms of a hamstring injury just to be sure I was right, and I am. So, today, I am confined to my bed, have a sweet set up going, doing some constant RICE for the injury (my thigh is actually wrapped up in an ACE bandage, lol), and plan on staying in here for about 2 days (today and tomorrow). That’s the minimum time that one’s hamstring will be injured. I can’t get back to doing ANY exercising until I can do the same things with my injured leg as I can with my normal leg.

This is all fine for me. I know how to take care of an injury by now. I just hate that it’s made me not exercise while I was trying to get out of this plateau! GREAT TIMING, BODY. ;)

Remember! I am accepting donations for the skating set I want to start roller derby! You can read all about it here, or you can just give me money by clicking up at the top right there on my page. :3


Today has been hard on me.

It’s the first day I haven’t been able to talk to my husband for the majority of the day. Got a little bit of him for an hour. He was productive today. But still no money from the ex-landlord so that he can buy a god damn wireless network card so I can talk to him while he’s at home. Fuck that shit. Seriously.

So, it’s hit me kind of hard that I just can’t up and talk to my husband when I want to tonight. Pretty hard. And then fucking people and their going out and doing shit and being happy with their marriages and together and having money and Valentine’s Day and FUCK YOU ALL FOR NOT BEING MORE SYMPATHETIC TOWARDS ME.

This is what it’s like in my head.

It’s all dumb. It will all pass. And seriously, if any of this gets fucking easier and I stop missing him so much, something is god damn wrong.

It really didn’t fucking help that someone else mentioned adoptable kitties and I was sent into a fucking spiral of OH GOD I MISS MY KITTIES AND FUCKING HELL THRALL AND CAIRNE DID THE CUTEST FUCKING SHIT.

It’s not any easier, hours later, writing this. It’s just as painful. And it probably won’t be any easier with me feeling fucking horrible about having to give them up. I think of them taking them away in their kennel and my chest tightens and my face warms. My poor babies. Cairne (to the right) was adopted almost immediately (AND HOW THE FUCK WOULDN’T HE? HE’S SLEEPING ON HIS GOD DAMN FACE). The website told us that. I haven’t seen anything about Thrall (right and down). A knot sits in my stomach when I think that he doesn’t have a home yet. And that’s horrible, because he was fucking lovey with me (and apparently boxes that he cannot fit into…HE’S CHEAP FUCKING ENTERTAINMENT PLEASE ADOPT MY BABY). He was my baby, and I don’t fucking have him anymore. That is fucking terrible. Almost as bad as one of them dying.

Chris luckily has Frankie (below). She’s really too old to be in a shelter now. At 7 years old, she would have been hard to adopt, despite her fucking adorable face and fluffy fur (“Look at this belly…why wouldn’t you want to rub it? I stretch further if you scratch my armpits just right…”). I am pretty sure she only loves Chris and I, though. Chris says with me not around, she is super talkative, and sleeps with him every chance she gets (which is every night). I miss all of them dearly.





Seriously, today, go fuck yourself. I know you’re almost over, but go fuck yourself and your emotions and shit.