Depression is a terrible drug.

Some of you might not be aware, but I’m finally moving on Saturday.

I’d be happy about that if my head would let me.

I hate shock. Shock to your emotions tends to shut you down. You don’t realize that you are just floating by until you crash from that shock. And then you are embarrassed.

I am scared of what I have done to my body these past few weeks. We haven’t been able to eat at home because cooking in a place where you feel like you don’t belong makes you not want to eat what you cooked. It’s hostile. We buy premade food at the grocery store next door if we’re hungry and eat in our bed. I feel gross doing it. I am pretty sure I have been overeating, but I haven’t been gaining enough to warrant that feeling. Maybe I’m not even eating enough on most days, then binging on bad days? That actually sounds more like me.

I apparently eat a lot of carbs when I’m stressed. They truly are comforting. We’ve had a soda or 2 every day for almost 3 weeks. So god damn bad. I am so stressed that I can’t remember most of what I say, type, learn, talk about to other people, or even what I am thinking. And I cannot convince myself that once I move everything will be better. It’s been so long since I have had to hold up a mask for as long as I have to make sure that everyone else is okay with being around me. I am not fun to be around when I’m depressed. Ask my husband. Ask my mother. Three weeks is a long time to be fake to everyone you see so that they all believe you are okay and still remain sane after years of being comfortable with being yourself.

I don’t like people. This is nothing new. It’s been a few years since I have allowed myself to make friends. Especially over the course of this past year, I refused to let many get close to me. I still kind of do. There are two guys in my training class that I absolutely adore; Chris has some teammates that are freaking awesome (one of which being the first person from work that I added on FB). This happening to us and me still having to go to work with a smile on my face put me under even more stress. At least the anxiety went mostly away. My brain tells me that I have to look mostly happy to these people.  They know what’s going on, but they don’t know what I am doing to myself.

My headaches these past two days seem to be mostly related to stress. I cried a bit and feel a little better. Apparently crying releases the chemical that makes you stressed, and that’s why you feel better after you cry. Maybe the symptom of that chemical build up is a stupidly heavy pressure headache?

All I know is that I want to just sleep forever. Next week I should be able to get back in the swing of tracking, cooking my own food, and exercising properly. I won’t be walking a mile uphill every morning anymore, and I will be able to sleep properly (and my schedule won’t be wake up at god awful early in the fucking morning). Everything, theoretically, should be better.

Now, if only I could tell my brain that it will be. :(

I hate stress.

I am sure everyone does. It does massive damage to your body. It seems to do stuff 10 fold to me.

With the risk of going super TMI, I have stomach issues. For those that have known me long enough (or well enough) know that I had the beginnings of an ulcer discovered just over a year ago. With eating better, I tend to not have issues. I am diagnosed with GERDs, but don’t suffer from it often, even when super stressed. My bowels seem to be the issue when I get super stressed. I get (WARNING SUPER SUPER TMI) loose, bloody stool. It might have an underlying issue; it might be related to the beginning ulcer happening. Well, the blood isn’t happening now, but man do I have some bad cramping. It’s pretty miserable.

UPDATE: Seems that there are a few others in class that are having issues with their stomachs. It might be something with the food from here, because we all ate it yesterday…

On top of this, I have stress hives. That is the worst. I itch constantly. My ears tend to get the worst of it because I not only get the anxiety itching, but I get the stress hives. Also, having them on a peeling sunburn is like…being tortured for country secrets or something.

I hate stress.

On a side note, I am sitting in class doing fuck all nothing because my trainer tried to make me sit with people JUST OUT OF TRAINING for sidejacking. Uh, fuck no am I sitting with someone that doesn’t know what they are doing. This entire week, this trainer has given me the feeling that he just doesn’t care. I have seen him sit with 2 people during the test and just give them the fucking answers if they asked. I asked 3 questions on the test that had to do with conflicting information given and stuff we just didn’t go over. I worked hard to make sure that I might be able to pass. I am pissed. Apparently this trainer is being promoted or something and he’s just giving people the answers if they ask for it. It really doesn’t teach us anything. Our training program for accounts is broken and we can’t pull up anything, so I’m fucking lost when it comes to that. Instead, I am looking up articles in our database so that I can learn the process for top call drivers. Currently, the trainer is playing Mass Effect 2. :\

The A/C was fixed here on Friday and Saturday. NOW IT NEVER SHUTS OFF. Fuck, am I cold. The thermostat in the room doesn’t control the A/C in here anymore. It’s brilliant.

This training will drive me insane. :|

This concludes the ranting post. So ready to just…have a week off. Irritated that will take more than 2 months still. OCTOBER. THEN I WILL BE IN CALIFORNIA FOR A WEEK AND NOT WORRY ABOUT SHIT. >:(

Updated blog and the reasons for my stress.

I know my blog isn’t popular. I also know that I do get more hits than I ever expected. Most of this is to keep me accountable for being a fucktard when it comes to losing weight.

That being said, I needed a place where I could complain, explain, and generally babble about my life. Twitter is good for that, but I always feel like I am spamming away at people’s feeds (with over 68,000 tweets, I have no doubt that I am). I even have a private account that I can do my more personal bitching on. It doesn’t help. The medium isn’t big enough for me. So, instead of spamming you guys on there, I changed up my blog.

When I am stressed, I will be able to write about it on here and not feel guilty about it since it’s no longer just my “weight loss blog”. Now I can come here and vent. The weight loss post for my weigh in day is here, if you ended up missing it a few minutes ago.

I have been particularly vague with some tweets this week. We had a horrible conversation with our landlord. Well, mostly horrible. We had a plan that we were trying to see if he would go along with. If you’ve followed me on Twitter for at least a month, you know that I have really bad anxiety when it comes to my landlord, and I hate talking with him. He’s skeevy. Seriously so. We explained that we can’t afford to live here anymore. We wanted him to take our deposit and use it as rent for January to February, then we would pay half a month’s rent to be able to stay until the end of February. That didn’t work out so well with him.

Instead, he said we will be able to keep our deposit, and he’ll let us stay here for free until February 5th. The problem is that we have no freaking money to move. No car, not even a place to move to yet. We have to move in just over a week. We were supposed to get money from Erin this week, but she ended up not getting paid just yet. If we did get paid by her this week, we would have been able to go out this weekend and look for a place, pay for background checks, and possibly put a bit down to hold a place. Instead, we have to wait until next week when we get money from Erin. This puts us in a bind. We will have to head out and fill things out in Beaverton in the morning before Chris works, hope we can get approved for a place, and then move in possibly one day on the weekend.

Because of all of this, I cannot look for a job. I can’t spend hours on the internet applying to places that won’t hire me. I have to pack up the entire house, pretty much by myself. It’s not too hard to do, but it’s stressful thinking about it. I’ve got a good chunk of it done, and plan on getting more done today. Since we can’t go out and look for places this weekend, I am stressing out pretty bad. I am not sure if we will have a place to live in 9 days. I don’t know if we’ll get someone who will take us in because we’re desperate. We have horrible credit; luckily, the eviction we thought was on our credit doesn’t seem to be there. Our credit means we have to pay more in deposit. That’s fine in normal circumstances. Right now, I just feel like we’re going to be homeless next week.

I posted about some really happy news that I didn’t want to jinks. I might have a job interview in a couple weeks, but I don’t know for sure when it will be. The email I got was really definitive that I will be getting contacted to set up a meeting, so I am hopeful that I at least have an interview. I am not saying where, and I am not sure I should even mention it. I have had a couple people ask me about what the news was, though, and I felt not saying anything at all was dumb.

This is all why I have been gaining. I am super stressed. All I want to do is cry. I am very scared for where we will end up. I am scared of where Erin will end up, but she at least has a boyfriend with lots of money that wants to help her out. Hopefully, our entire place will be packed and ready to go by the end of next week so we can just GO. And I am really hoping that we are able to get a place that will work with us. What I really want, though, is an extra week. I don’t think I will get that. :\

I just want to be only happy for once. Not stressed or sad. Happy and comfortable. We will get there again, but I am not sure how the journey there will be. :(

Yesterday’s weigh in

I forgot to post yesterday. To say there is some high stress in my life right now is probably understating it. And it’s probably what contributed to my weight gain this week. I gained 0.8 lbs. However, I feel skinnier. So I don’t feel TOO bad about it. And I still do understand that weight does fluctuate.

Out of the 3 of us living here, until today, my husband was the only one with a job. We can’t continue to live where we do, so we had to make a lot of tough choices yesterday (when our internet ended up being shut off and the company ended up taking all of our extra money). I have had a tight chest and a pit in my stomach for the past few days, on top of another pair of ear infections. I’ve been mostly sticking to my diet, though (yesterday was really hard to, but I didn’t go over too much). Exercise, however, has been kind of flat. I can’t even remember right now if yesterday was my day off or not… All I can think about is money and where we’re going from here. I do know I am exercising today, though, but I can’t figure out if I exercise tomorrow or not. I think I do…

Stress is a funny thing. I guess I will just take it day by day right now, but I really need to be able to hit something. I’d do stairs, but it is quite cold outside, and I know how that just steals my breathe. Maybe it wouldn’t if I were more bundled up? I don’t know. I’ve never actually tried to exercise in the cold because it’s always been a TERRIFIC excuse. I am not an open person, emotionally. I want to share more things, but,  in my head, I have to be the strong one. The one everyone can rely on. :\

I hope this gain isn’t a sign of what’s to come. I was really liking losing. Hopefully next week will be better like it was last week. I obviously didn’t hit my goal that I wanted to, and I need to fight for that goal. I cannot let this hiccup in life get in the way of my health.

Late post on weigh in day!

I actually lost this week! I ended up being laid out because of my ankle for 4 days, and couldn’t find my weights. I did do some light cleaning, though, for 30 minutes at a time for a few times. Helped burn SOME stuff. :) Got back into it yesterday, and …I didn’t do too well. I was tired. Not worn out or in pain, just so tired I couldn’t lift my muscles. It was horrible. I hated it.

I lost 3.2 pounds this week, though! And I measured, which will follow. Even after Nacho-geddon (which is what my husband called it), and not exercising for 2 days that I normally would, I lost a lot. I am hoping that it’s the low-carb that I am on. That would be awesome. Really, it would be. :) My mom pointed out to me that I passed losing 5% of my starting weight! That’s pretty cool! Can’t believe I did that without realizing it.

I am seriously on a down cycle now. It’s weird because I’m only half depressed. My body just does not want to be awake. We had to make some serious decisions today, too, and that isn’t helping my body. There are 3 of us living with 1 income right now, a smallish income. It’s becoming quite stressful, and now we’re making the hard decisions that no one ever wants to make. Oddly enough, even with all this added “stress”, I am very much in the mindset of determination. Determined to not let this drag me down, affect my life or my weight loss. I cried for a bit, but that’s because there was talk of giving up my babies (my three awesome cats). I put my foot down and told my husband that giving them away would be a sign that everything was really fucked, and that all hope would be gone. I can’t lose everything AND be completely alone, too. He agrees, so we’re going to have to make things work out. We’re working things out, and we might be able to make it through. It would really help if DHS called me back so we could get more help with food stamps. :\ $16 just isn’t enough…

Anyway. I only wanted to post that so that it’s out there, and so that I can show that I am not letting it be an excuse. I am using it as fuel. I will not deter from my plan, and I will still be skinny. ONTO MY MEASUREMENTS.

  • Neck – 16.5 (no loss)
  • Bust – 49.0 (-.5)
  • Ribs – 41.25 (-.25)
  • Waist – 49 (no loss)
  • Hips – 50.5 (-.5)

All in all, kind of expected. I didn’t feel like I lost a lot these past couple weeks. I don’t even remember what my body fat percentage was. I try not to look at it anymore because it seems inaccurate. But, I believe it’s gone down… *shrug*

Today was a crappy day. Putting off exercise until later so I can focus on getting things sorted that we can sell and applying to places. It’s been one hell of a day, lemme tell you. Onward, though! We’ll get through it. We always do. :)