Is this the hard part?

I’ve been feeling…well, less up to everything than normal. I am very adamant about watching what I eat still, but I cannot get myself to exercise. I have not been feeling good after I exercise at all like I used to.

For some reason that I cannot explain, I am in a lot of pain. The only thing I can think of what has changed was that I got a new water bottle from my roommate that I cannot drink out of well… Maybe I have been having less water? I have no idea, because it feels to me like I am still drinking enough water. After working out, my muscles hurt a lot more than they used to. I get enough sleep and I feel like I worked out entirely too much the night before, even if I didn’t. It’s been happening for the past 4 days now.

Just to be safe, I took a pregnancy test today (for those that don’t remember, I have an IUD – checking for pregnancy is vital). It came out negative, which is what I was expecting, but now I don’t know what else could be wrong. There are spots on my back that feel wrong and the only thing I can find out about the pain is possible herniated discs. I have 3 spots that give me trouble, and they have been way worse than normal. I haven’t had a day where I DIDN’T have a headache for 3 days now. My leg muscles feel weak or torn or overworked at different points in the day. It all seems so random that I don’t think I can figure out what is happening. Maybe some of my other weight loss friends can help me? I am pretty sure that the headache might be related to a toothache, but my teeth really don’t hurt all that often or coincide much with the location of the pain.

I did lose weight this week! At first, I didn’t. I gained weight. Just over 2 pounds. I was depressed about that Saturday. My waist and ribs went down on measurements, but that was it. At least I didn’t gain there again. On Saturday, before I ate, I decided it might be a good idea to weigh myself again. I had ended up losing 3.6 lbs. I am not sure what it was, but that made me feel good. Yesterday in itself was a really shitty day, but at least I lost weight, and more than I thought I had gained this past week. Well, whatever, moving on.

I really want to be under 220 when I go to California. I don’t know how feasible that will be. I have been stuck between 230 and 225 for months now, even after adjusting caloric intake and exercise. It just makes me feel very much like I’ve hit a brick wall. I am not giving up, not after everything I have done. I just don’t know what else I can do to try to shock my system or even make my body stop hurting. If any of you have suggestions, those of you that have been where I am, please let me know what you did! I might have either tried it, but if I haven’t, I just might…


My bad, yo.

It’s been a couple weeks since I posted. I last posted about the wondrous soon-to-be-ex-roommate. I have done 2 weigh ins since then, and had a realization about everything.

I have gained both weeks, but nothing huge. I haven’t even gained a whole pound total, so I am not too upset. I realized over this past week, though, that I haven’t been sleeping much. Sleep is a HUGE factor in weight loss. If you aren’t getting enough of it for your body to rest and reset, you aren’t going to lose very well. I only have one more week of 5 hour nights and long days at work, and not even a full week! This week is my last week in training, and we only have a three day week. It’s going to be beautiful. And next Sunday, I start on the phones and will be moved into the new place.

We bought Chris a real cell phone yesterday. We haven’t had a real cell phone in 3 years. The number we’ve had for the past year and a half is just a simple flip phone. The new phone is an Android based phone (the AT&T Fusion) and still a prepaid phone. But it’s a fairly decent phone with a new number and our roommate doesn’t have the number! We’ll be buying me the same phone tomorrow, and for the first time in 3 years, Chris and I will have separate phones. Kind of crazy.

Speaking of ways that our roommate cannot get a hold of us! Not only are we getting rid of the old number, but we have created a new email address that will forward any emails from her to. The new email address has Vacation Responder set up to say that we don’t accept emails from crazy people anymore. We’re leaving a bogus forwarding address in case she decides to come visit us. She is going to hate us, and I am going to be happy that she will never be able to reach us. Get this drama filled life behind me.

I realized yesterday where my problem with most roommates is. I hate girly girls. Well, don’t hate, I just really don’t get along with most of them. Probably because most of them are batshit crazy. Chris even realized that he hates girls. The only women he likes are the ones that I absolutely adore. Shannon, my mom, Lorien…the one thing we all have in common? We AREN’T. THAT. GIRLY. I should probably filter people more…

That’s it for me now. I’ll post more next weekend when I move. It shall be fun. :)

How does this not depress you?

Fact of the matter is that I gained this week. And not the measly little things I had been gaining before. I gained 2.5 lbs this week, and ended back up into the 230’s.

Two weeks of gaining hit me really, REALLY hard today. I am still not discouraged by any means, but I am super disappointed in myself. I wouldn’t have been so depressed if my measurements came back as actually losing something significant. I kind of want to cry again just thinking about it. If I gain again next week, I don’t know what I am doing wrong to actually be gaining. I haven’t had a gain so large after a week of gaining before, and it just hit me so hard that I gained so much. Most of the time that I gained this much, the week prior I had lost a large number, so it was expected!

I’m mostly fine now. I am pretty sure that this past weekend affected me more than I thought it would. I saw something on Twitter from @Fitness that said “diet mistakes are harder to overcome than missed workouts. ” It has to be so true in this case. I have indulged before, but never to the extent of not logging, and of the amount of sugar that I did.

And at least it wasn’t double that weight that I gained.

Measurements! Doing both mine and Chris’ from now on! Mine:

  • Neck: 15.5 (0)
  • Bust: 47.0 (0)
  • Ribs: 38.0 (0)
  • Waist: 44.25 (-0.75)
  • Hips: 50.0 (0)

For Chris, we’re tracking a couple more things. I expect things to change up and down for him more on his biceps, and not much to change on his hips since we measure under his belly (where he wears his pants).

  • Neck: 18.0
  • Bicep: 16.5
  • Ribs: 49.5
  • Waist: 48.5
  • Hips: 47.0
  • Thigh: 24.75

Since he won’t keep track of these anywhere else, I will keep track of them for him. I am just happy that he is letting me do this. :3

(If you have met my husband,  you will know that if he doesn’t want something done to him, he will make sure it doesn’t happen.)

That’s it for today. Lazy, hot weekend ahead of us, but good, nonetheless. Back to it Monday, and hoping for a much better week next week. :\

Day 23: Another injury and finally back home.

So, I injured my hamstring again. I think it’s just a strain this time, but it’s really annoying.

I am back home! I realize I haven’t posted since …last Thursday now. I weighed myself and it wasn’t much of a loss. Then I weighed myself on Monday morning and apparently have gained 6 lbs back. I know that isn’t right, but it does make me seriously question the accuracy of our scale’s calibration. My mom and I have the same brand and model of scale, and the discrepancy is huge. Elevation does adjust weight, but I didn’t change enough in elevation to justify that much of a change. Anyway, now I’m “officially” 233 lbs, and will continue to go by this scale here.

Even with my injury, we don’t have the materials I need to exercise properly. Will probably be getting them with next week’s check. I do have stuff I can replace it with, which is awesome. I just wish I were able to finish out this whole “boot camp” thing as it’s supposed to be.

If there is no loss this week, I am upping my calories again. Actually, I should scratch that until next week, honestly. It’s my birthday on Thursday, and I will be having one slice of cake. I will be walking around a lot, too,  but I am really not sure how well all of that is going to go. I guess we will see then!

Damn, we were going to go to the Japanese Gardens this weekend for my 15% loss, but I’m not there anymore. Guess it’s only the zoo for my birthday!

I am not feeling so well today, mentally, for some reason. And that’s really odd because today is the sunniest day since I’ve been back. :\ Bleh. Maybe I will nap and see if I feel better after that? *sigh*

The surprise weigh day!

So, if you didn’t read last night’s post, I decided to stick to weighing  myself once a week because I had a panic attack about such a small change.

Seriously, I really didn’t think that it would be so bad.

Anyway. Weight came in as plus one pound. Okay, body. Stop it. I’ve been hovering around 230 for a month. Just let me breeze past it. It’s like I go really well through the rest of the numbers, but once I get to a number that ends in zero, my body just fucking refuses to go past it.

My husband kindly pointed out that this is what happened around 250. I just checked my logs, and it happened around 240, too, but I wasn’t as concerned with it since I wasn’t really working out!

Trying to increase my heavy cardio workouts to 2 or 3 times a week right now. It’s been so long since I’ve done them that I really shouldn’t push myself.

I have been losing weight at a very steady pace, and this is all good. I cannot remember the last time I was in the 220’s, and was just really excited to get into them and past my 15% goal, too. *flips off the scale*

So, I’m going to be kind of grumpy today because I can. Doesn’t help that my back really hurts and I keep getting vertigo spells. I’ll be better tomorrow.

Two days later weigh day yaaaaaay!

Yeah, no idea.

So, my 2 am rant Thursday morning was my last post. Friday should have been a post about my weigh in, but seeing as I was in a bunch of pain, I completely forgot.

See, I was pretty drugged up for most of Thursday and Friday. I was taking allergy pills to control … something? I don’t even remember  anymore. I do remember reading that it’s good for ear infection pain, so I was trying to control that. I had been taking ear drops for more pain. Lots of ibuprofen and naproxen. It was a crazy 2 days.

Thursday, the abscess in my throat popped. If you’ve never tasted infection, I don’t suggest ever doing it. It’s gross. Terribly gross. So gross that I went on Twitter and Facebook and hilariously bitched about it. So gross. *gag* I was exhausted Thursday. I got to sleep shortly after my blog, and woke up in severe pain 3 hours later. I stayed up until noon, was completely out of it, talked with the parents about going to the clinic to get checked, then slept another 4 hours. Woke up in so much pain that I couldn’t talk well, then it happened. Didn’t hear anything like a pop, but I immediately tasted gross and the pain went away. I knew exactly what happened. It’s not the first time I had a throat abscess, though the first time I went to the ER and had it popped. This was grosser.

Since I woke up at 4, I thought it was too late to go to the clinic. I suffered through until Friday. I didn’t sleep well; all I wanted to do was cry, but I knew if I cried that I would just squeeze the abscess from throat contractions and make that terrible taste again. Woke up, weighed myself (onto that soon), went to the clinic. Doctor told me that whatever it was was taking care of itself, but he wanted me on antibiotics to make sure that there isn’t a second infection. Highest dose I’ve ever been on, 500mg of amoxicillan 3 times a day. Freaking crazy.

Saturday, after 1 day’s dose of antibiotics, I felt worse. Large amount of pain, extremely tired, still draining; I was a wreck. However, I did REAL push ups for the first time. I was able to do 5 before having to go on my knees, but was able to do 6 today! Then I went out with the parents and shopped around for stuff for a bit. I saw baby chicks, baby bunnies, and baby DUCKS. It was awesome, and made me realize that I want chickens on the farm that my husband and I do. :D $2 each for a chick? HELL YEAH.

And today, I feel dramatically better! The swelling in my ear has gone down completely. My throat hasn’t drained in almost 24 hours. The pain is minimal in my throat. It’s a much better day. :)

I ended up gaining 2 pounds during the week. With how I was feeling, I kind of expected it, especially with a 6 lb loss the previous week. I decided that with the fluctuating that I have been doing these past few months, I am going to start weighing myself every 2 weeks, the same day that I do measurements. I’m not getting discouraged by the gain or stability that I see every other week. I just feel that every 2 weeks will show me an accurate loss more than every week will be.

It’s been GORGEOUS here in Klamath Falls. You know, minus the fact that the only tree blooming in the entire city is right outside my window (I wish I were joking). It’s a nice 80 outside right now. Breeze going on. I need some sun block (mental note). With me out of the boot, and this abscess finally being taken care of with antibiotics, I will be able to go hiking again soon! It’s supposed to rain on Thursday, I think. *checks weather* Apparently tomorrow night, too. I think I will wait to hike for another week, but I am excited. Also, I can get back into tae bo and gaining my muscle back! Oh! And I increase my push ups to 15 tomorrow.

This is a long post, and I’m kind of sorry for it. Lol. Only kind of. I generally don’t have anything of note to talk about, so my abscess is where you get ALL THE DETAILS. :D Anyway, more later when I start exercising again. :3

Well. Almost 2 weeks later!

Sorry for the lack of posts, but I totally did warn you. You really didn’t want anything from me last week anyway. All I could think about was my husband, all I could talk about was my husband. Everything else was completely unimportant to me the entire time. :3

I still have the boot on. I am still not exercising. I am still watching what I eat, well…until this past weekend. I tried to log, saw how bad it was going to be, then ignored it the entire time. I know I did horrible (one breakfast was my entire allotment of calories for one day…ouch), but I also know that I didn’t do as bad as I could have.

I did gain 2 more pounds. That’s annoying. I’m not discouraged by any means, but I am thoroughly annoyed at this broken foot deal. I didn’t wear my boot a lot this weekend because I was driving Chris around everywhere, and the boot is on my right foot. The downside of that is I ended up walking a lot without it. It caused a lot of pain. Not so much that I’m complaining, because I love spending time with my husband. But I should have had him drive so I could wear the boot and not be slowed by having to limp…. Not sure how long I will be wearing it. Since I didn’t wear it this full week, I’m going to wear it another week and see how I feel after that.

I cannot wait for my foot to be healed, because I want to exercise hardcore again. I miss it. The sweat, the way I feel after, it’s all just so amazing. I also dislike gaining weight. I’d rather maintain than gain. I plan on being seriously strict with my calories this week. Taking soda out (again), back to tea and water and a coffee in the  morning. I just really want to maintain my weight instead of gaining it while I have this boot on. I may attempt walking up and down our hill (which is very close to a 9% grade at points, 7% the rest of the time) with the boot on. I WANT to, and with the weather finally warming up here (it’s supposed to be rainy season, but it’s been gorgeous the past few days) it will be easier to walk up and down the hill without having to worry about getting my foot wet. :)

My husband was able to stay longer than we expected, but not because he planned it. If you would like, head on over to his blog to see what happened to him with Amtrak this weekend. We are hoping they fix this issue shortly…

That’s pretty much it. I’m seriously depressed about my husband being gone now, but trying to not let it get the best of me. I’m baking some cookies today to make me feel better (the baking makes me feel better, not the eating of said baking). And I am constantly talking to my husband right now. As depressed as I am about him not being here, I am comfortable in my life, and that’s really all I can ask for until we are together again.

Partial recap of the month…

So, some of you might remember that I posted about my goal to lose 5 lbs this month in this post. I had been slacking. Letting myself slip. I was really depressed most of February because I had to leave my husband behind in Portland. I know I will be able to see him again (unlike my boys), but it’s really painful to be so far away. Whoever fucking said that distance doesn’t matter when you love something so much was in utter denial. Distance is everything to me right now. >:(

ANYWAY. *cough*

Yes. I didn’t cut back on alcohol much, but I did make sure to not go COMPLETELY over my calories, or do some heavy exercise the next day. There were a couple times where that didn’t happen. In fact, a lot of this week I ended up going over on my calories, but not by much. My gain this week was only 0.8 lbs, so I don’t find that as TOO bad. My gains have been quite small compared to the previous week’s loss! And this gain still kept me over my weight loss goal for this month!

I should probably say what that was!

My weight on 3/2 was 243.6 lbs. My weight today is 236.4 lbs. Total loss this month is 7.2 lbs! More than my goal (woohoo) and almost spot on with my monthly average I mentioned in the post linked above.

Today was also measurement day, but I had absolutely no loss with that in the past 2 weeks. That right there is quite odd to me, because I am pretty sure I’ve always had a loss with my measurements before. To be fair, though, I WAS measuring myself with a stretchy string…lol!

I don’t know if I mentioned it here on the blog, but I am wearing a boot for my retarded broken toe. It hasn’t been healing. It’s almost there, but then I exercise or walk around for longer than an hour and all of a sudden it’s swollen for a day or two again. So, I threw the boot on and I’m taking it easy for a bit. Only a week right now, but we shall see how I am on Tuesday or Wednesday without it on. I don’t WANT to wear the boot when Chris is here next week (OMFG SIX DAYS GUYS), but I will do it if my body says I have to.

Another idea was given to me by The Biggest Loser last night with money incentive for loss. Not the $1,000 they were doing per pound, but the idea is still cool nonetheless. With me wearing the boot right now, though, the incentive is just kind of wasted. I can’t do many exercises, so I’m only eating healthy right now (well, yeah, mostly). But once I am out of this boot, it’s on like fucking Donkey Kong!

Speaking of The Biggest Loser, holy fuck, was this last episode just FULL of the worst advertisements I’ve seen in a while. The beginning of the show was pretty much nothing but a huge ad for Newman’s. Holy. Fucking. Shit. I really only slightly pay attention to the show now. An hour and a half (on Hulu) is entirely too long for it now. Just…ugh. /rant

I’m teaching myself how to code! I want to be useful! Learning JavaScript right now. Will be teaching myself Python in the future. No, this is not a place to suggest what to learn. I’ve already made up my mind. :P I discovered Codecademy yesterday, and I fucking love it. The math is getting harder, but I am having so much fun actually making things WORK. :3

It’s rainy season here! Klamath Falls apparently has proper seasons here! This is good news for me, because it means it will be warming up soon, and I might be able to go HIKING again! YAY. I mean, I can’t do anything with this stupid ass toe, but shortly I will be able to hike and see the town all green (instead of this mucky brown shit). We have also been talking about going to Crater Lake and the lava tunnels here in Southern Oregon, both of which I am really excited to go to. Lots of hiking involved with both, and I LOVE exploring. :D

I probably won’t post an actual weight post next Friday seeing as my husband will be here, and he’s more important than any of you fuckers (yeah, I said it…). I don’t expect to have much of a web presence then, so here’s a warning. I’ll try to remember to post about the boot and if I still have to wear it.

This. Is the end of the post.

Apparently, this needs to be touched again…

A couple days ago, the Oscars happened. Everyone who is someone was there. Had to be. And you had to look amazing.

Of course, the body shaming came in again.

I spoke on this earlier. A new problem has risen. There is body shaming, and there is blatantly ignoring that someone might have an eating disorder. When you are worried about how someone looks, and you say they look unhealthy, that isn’t body shaming. Body shaming is when you point out to someone skinny and tell them to eat a hamburger (as SEVERAL people did about Angelina Jolie on Sunday). Body shaming is when you point out a fat person and tell them to stop eating so many donuts.

It is NOT, I repeat, NOOOOOOTTTTTT body shaming when you are concerned for the person’s health. If you look at someone you’ve known for years and realize that they are quite skinnier than they used to be, that will bring up concern. Instead of saying, “Wow, you’ve lost weight, maybe you should eat more,” you should constructively say, “You’ve lost a little weight, is everything okay?” Asking that right there will help you determine if it’s stress or if they’re sick right off the bat. You don’t ask if you know they are trying to lose weight. If they are trying to lose weight and you don’t agree, shut your face. That’s not your place to tell them that they shouldn’t. You aren’t asking them because you think they look bad, you’re asking because you think there may be a problem.

You can do the same thing with people who gain weight, too. When I flew out to Portland last March by myself, I was nervous. I was in an airport bar at DIA drinking by myself. I am diagnosed (by a doctor) with severe social anxiety, and I really, really hate doing things by myself. A woman came up and asked if she could sit next to me. There were a lot of men in the bar, and I kind of wanted company anyway, so I said yes. She ended up giving me one of her Xanax to calm me down, lol. I don’t remember how it ended up coming to it, but we talked of my weight. She asked me a lot of questions about why I thought I was large. She did it in such a way that I did not get even remotely offended that a complete stranger was able to confront me on this. I am not normally one to open so much, especially if I’m by myself. She asked about if I was trying to protect myself with the fat. She made me think a lot about WHY I was fat, not just that I was. I was at my heaviest then. 283. I am now 240. She helped me a lot, just by one little conversation, one stranger to another, without telling me to stop stuffing my face like the fat whore I am.

I was linked this article today. Models that weight EIGHT STONE are told they are too fat. That is 112 lbs. A girl went from 8st to 6st in a short period of time. She weighed 84 lbs. An adult weighed that. She was 5’6″ (which is what I am). People around her knew she had a problem. SHE knew she had problem, but she didn’t know what it was. This is the modeling world. This is why women have problems. If you see someone you know get unhealthily skinny, you should intervene before they kill themselves like this and other models have done. Someone needed to step in and help her, but no one did because she was a model. If she gained the weight back, she would lose her job.

There is no wrong way to have a body. I’ve said this before. You can be skinny and be healthy, you can be fat and be healthy. But when someone close to you is showing warning signs of eating disorders, please help them. Do not think yourself body shaming them, think of yourself keeping them alive. Because that is what you are doing. Make sure they are doing okay. Remember that you wouldn’t ignore someone if they showed signs of schizophrenia or severe depression. Eating disorders are just as dangerous, and they need to be taken care of.

Just do it with some tact. Don’t go in, guns blazing, ready to tell that person to eat a high fat diet for years. Ask them what is wrong, if anything, and keep a close eye on them.

Now, stop body shaming everyone and show your concern in a better way.